Saturday, January 10, 2009

How To Compose A Long Blog Entry

Here are a few posts I wrote in the highly sarcastic Ned's How To Guide on Protagonize.

How To Make It On The News
If you happen upon a news worthy scene, make sure you've got on some old overalls, no shirt, or just a bra for ladies. Your hair is uncombed, black out a few teeth, and do NOT wear makeup. Then let yourself be interviewed speaking in a thick hillbilly accent, "I seen the WHOLE thing! I wuz jus' standing over yonder by my car, talkin' to my friend Butch, when this 1/2 ton Ford came outta nowhere!.."
Rob a bank, gas station, or liquor store without a mask. Wave at the camera and
Paint a giant symbol on your roof, visible from satellite, preferrably vulgar.
Kidnap a child.
Do unspeakable things to another person.
Kill someone.
Kill someone, then do unspeakable things to them.
Look into the camera lens held by your best buddy and say, "Hey ya'll! Watch this!" Post it on youtube.
Throw your shoes at the President.
Fly your plane into a tall building. Or a mountain.
Steal from the poor.
Lose on a reality TV gameshow. In fact, be the jerk on a reality TV gameshow. Or win, but the public never remembers them...
Train your pet to do something amazing.
Have your small child dial 911 and pretend it saves your life.
Videotape a tornado or hurricane.
Demand child support from a famous person for your secret lovechild.
Pretend your child has gone missing.
Go to the news station as a caterer or special highlight guest, and stumble on set at an innapropriate time.
Put yourself in jail and refuse to leave.
Streak.
Survive a shark attack, being lost in an avalanche, or a horrific accident.
Contribute lots of money to something, like a new hospital wing.
Volunteer and become a spokesperson for that organization.
Run from one side of your country to the other because you feel like running.
Have a baby in a public place, or in your car, or on a plane.
Have multiple births.
Adopt a pet with disabilities. Adopt and exotic pet. Adopt and exotic pet with disabilities.
Work for the news station.
Drive your car into a building.
Play with dynamite and "accidentally" blow something up.
Collect things, like live giraffes or fire trucks, in your yard.
Burn down a building and be interviewed at the scene.
Live to be over 100.
Drop dead in a public place.

How To Clean A Messy House In Seven Minutes Flat
When the realtor is coming to show your house and you have had the flu and your kids have rampaged and ruled the roost for three days, eating and leaving crumbs on every surface, taking each cushion off the couch to play "lava", and washing the muddy dog in the tub...
Shove everything into closets, under beds, and in baskets that also stack into closets.
Delegate someone to vacuum duty and sweep crumbs under the rug.
Close the shower curtain and toilet lid and pray no one looks in there.
Straighten rugs and dining room chairs and make beds as you run from top to bottom or from back of house to front, so you can grab the kids and escape out the door seconds before the realtor's car pulls up in the driveway.
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My five year old says this:
Him: Just speed around and clean it up! Put it back where it's supposed to be.
Me: You don't wear roller skates or something to go faster?
Him: No. Just go zoooom!
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If the In-laws are coming over and you haven't had time to clean, pick a room and throw all clutter in there, shutting the door. Do everything you can to distract them from nearing that door. Share pictures, take pictures, feed them, offer to take them out, watch a DVD, spend hours talking shop in the garage, go outside, play cards, or a board game; do anything!
Maybe you could let the dog lick the dishes clean. Either in front of the in-laws or not, your choice.
Some animals make good dusters too.
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Umm, I'm out of ideas. So I'll leave it at this.

How To Live Well During The Credit Crunch
Impractical Ways:
Firstly, take out as many credit card loans as you can, and buy everything you need to live for the next two years. My sure it is all non refundable, like clothes and food. If you buy a car you will have to return it. Then file bankruptcy!
Secondly, have as many children as you can. Adopt some, have twins, borrow other people's kids, but get several and take care of them at least 80% of the time. Then go to the welfare office and sign up for food stamps and health assistance. Go to the Energy Assistance office and sign up for that as well. And don't forget Daycare assistance! Oh, and if you adopt some handicapped kids, they will bring in Disability moneys, and foster kids also bring in funds.
Next; let your house completely fall apart. Let the kids tear the doors off the hinges, run their wheelchairs into walls, play baseball in the house, clog the drain with play-doh, anything to create a real problem structurally. Then have your house evaluated and deemed unsafe. Sign up for Habitat for Humanity and have a room built for each kid by volunteers. After you spend your time (in hours) building another house, you will have your own brand new palace built with payments that fit into your budget!
Go stay with relatives when it gets really cold, and use their heat and water for a while. Your kids will get quality time with family, and you'll save on your electric bill!
Finally, send your "kids" to public school and sign up for all the free lunch, free book, clothe-a-child, and shoe-bus programs available. You'd be surprised what gets donated to needy kids in public schools!
After all this you'd be surprised how far your paycheck will go towards the fun things you always wanted. I mean, your food, clothes, daycare, and house are practically free, you get money for the foster and disabled kids, and you are still working! Go shopping! Take a cruise! Save up and buy an Escalade! You deserve it!
Oh and petty theft, especially while on vacation, is great way to get souvenirs, or stock up on things you need; like gas and propane, and candy.
Practical Ways:
Seriously now, if you are well established, have pulled yourself up by your boot-straps, and don't want to abuse "the system", there are things you can do.
Plant a garden and learn to can foods.
Learn to sew up holes and replace buttons, or hem your own clothes so you can continue wearing them. You could shop at secondhand stores and tailor your own found items.
Find a cheaper place to get your hair done, do your own nails or grooming, stop spoiling yourself so much!
Shop at discount grocers, or warehouse stores.
Avoid using credit cards at all. Just don't do it. Only buy what you can afford. Think about using cash because you will see your money leaving your hands and feel a sense of loss.. But don't carry a lot of cash around or you'll be mugged. :P
Don't eat out. Cooking your own food, even large dishes and freezing them for later, is much cheaper. Learn some cheaper recipes. Potato soup, ham and beans, chicken and noodles, casseroles, crock pot meals, and eat pancakes for dinner as these foods last longer or are cheaper than prepackaged foods and meals. Maybe even eat more vegetarian meals as pasta is cheaper than meat. But eat fruit and veggies in season, as they will be cheaper. Buy your meat in bulk, like half a cow or pig and stock up your freezer. Don't buy extra food that will just sit there and go bad in the fridge either. Plan your menu and shop to that.
Freeze food.
Carpool. If you can, invest in a hybrid vehicle, or keep your well-maintained to get the most out of your mileage. Walk to work, bike to work, or take the bus if those are options for you.
Recycle things. Bought some shoes? Use the box for storage! Finished with that butter tub? Wash it out and have instant tupperware!
Shop for things out of season, so catch those winter sales on sweaters in the summer, or shorts and t-shirts in the winter, and stock up.
Shop at yard sales and have your own.
Use coupons or switch brands to save.
Use cloth towels and rags to clean up spills in the kitchen instead of paper towels.
Freezer bags can be washed and reused.
Winterize your home and watch your meter readings on your electric bill, as they can malfunction. Set your thermostats back, wear layers, and shiver it out.
Wash more laundry in cold water.
Use your tax returns to pay off credit card debt.
And the single most important thing.. Make a Budget. Once you see where all your money is going, you can make the right changes.
(Two of these I sent to Creativity-Portal and they were published!)
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