Work has been really emotionally draining lately.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love the students I teach. I respect the careers of my peers and supervisors, and I went into this knowing full well my capabilities, weaknesses, and strengths. This is a good fit for me. Maybe not perfect, but good. I fought long and hard for this. I earned the right to do what I do. I don't know how long I can keep doing it. Isn't that sad to say? There is so much stress involved being a functional special needs teacher with testing, paperwork, planning, organizing, and dealing with the protocols, daily flubs, and daily struggles. It is wonderful to see student progress and to celebrate milestones, but it is devastating to find flaws in your system, cracks in your facade, and holes in your plans. When things go bad, they can go really badly in relatively little time. One second, peace, the next..boom! chaos.
Sometimes I feel like I am alone in my ocean of responsibility and want some company, and sometimes I would rather be alone in the ocean and handle things my way.
When you work with other adults in the same room, there has to be a clear leader.
I like to share leadership and take turns. This reduces stress. I like to delegate tasks and have time to stop and think and plan for the next stage. Sometimes this irritates people. They think they are doing my job. They don't realize I need them to be a sounding board, provide fresh perspectives, advocate for the students they are closest to, and to help out with more than the mundane cleaning, managing, and grading papers. I haven't yet learned the art of getting people to do what I want while making it all seem like their idea. Instead, I accept the ideas of others.
The other half of the coin is doing everything the government says I have to do to be 'in compliance' and to keep the 'school grade' high. Some of this is really political. We all play nice, but those that know the right people are the ones who get things the fastest. Sometimes I feel like I won't ever understand a person and that is holding me back. I have to be forced to contact them and make my requests.
I can get along with almost anybody, work with a myriad range of personalities, but sometimes I get overwhelmed by trying to hold it all together and trying to see the forest for the trees. Sometimes I stay quiet and observe when I need to speak out and put a stop to some actions. It happens. Then I feel guilty.
Mostly, it is not guilt that plagues me, but a sense of inadequacy. I feel overwhelmed and out-maneuvered.
I feel like if I just get through this day, go home, plan for tomorrow, think, come up with a solution to the problem, vent, rant, rave, eat chocolate, and sleep. I can get up tomorrow and magically have a better day.
Work is WORK, man.
When do I have time to be ME? You think teachers just give homework, but they take home as much baggage as any student and plan and give and nurture and spend their money on their students.
Many of you would say, "yeah, well, what did you expect going into the teaching field?"
I knew full well what I was getting into. Really, I did. You don't do this without knowing the sacrifices.
But oh, the sacrifices! Sometimes they catch up to you.
This month, heck, this time of every school year, is full of the overwhelming sense of being bogged down and mired in the daily grind. While the daily struggles are new, and the tasks are many and varied, and it is never mindnumbingly boring, it is emotionally draining. Can I be better? Can I do more awesome things? Look at my failures. Look at what I have not accomplished. Look at what I forgot I planned to do by February. Look at how much time is left until Spring Break! Why are they whispering about me? Why is everyone frowning?
Okay, so some of that is paranoia, but when you get ..prickly.. it feeds the monsters and they grow to fill the spaces between the planning, organizing, testing, and failing. Sometimes you need a little space. And being snowed in is not very space-giving. I know February is about Love and Support and I have a very loving and supportive husband, but he is sick of my ranting. He is one of those "work is WORK" people who tells me to suck it up and problem solve with my logical half of my brain and just figure a way around it.
So I am.
And my creative side is longing for a great escape. I've been watching travel shows, reading books, and planning writing escapes in my bits of spare time.
(Anyone got a winning lottery ticket?)
Another year smarter.
Things I have learned:
1. Texts are legal documentation.
They are anything BUT personal. Your private texts are actually public domain. After an incident where a text I sent to a parent was pointed out that without proper context, could be misconstrued; I decided to ban texting and facebook-ing from my professional career. Personal calls, personal chats, personal texts are all ways for people to feel way too familiar and open up beyond professional limits. I worked too darn hard to get here in the last few years and I'll not let a moment of personal texting be my downfall!
2. Do not underestimate a child because they have a communication disability.
One of my students has been reading this year, but had never before been given the tools to demonstrate that she could because she had difficulty both in saying and writing words. Now that she has the opportunity to show us, we can see her progress and rejoice in her triumphs. What other secrets could people with disabilities be hiding?? As I grow as a teacher, I will continue to find ways to let my students show what they know; to demonstrate all that they can do.
3. Ten-year-olds are all the same! :) I took my 10 year old to a group designed just for 10-11 year olds, and every other kid there was trying to use big words in hilarious ways, said embarrassing things that made their parents roll their eyes, and they rolled them right back at the adults! All the parents were exasperated in exactly the same way, and all the kids, even with their unique personalities and backgrounds, had something bubbling inside them that was decidedly 10 years old. This is also the year where the Christmas gifts get super expensive as they do not want as many toys but want every kind of electronic device. They have figured out the birds and bees for the most part, too. They know how the world works just enough to start asking the 'really big' questions.We decided to give the boy his own room. It is time.
4. I really miss creative writing.
With my college classes this year, 2 in the beginning, 1 in summer, and 1 this fall, my writing has all been academic. I have 2 friends who have asked me to edit/beta-read their super long manuscripts. It makes me want to write my own. I have had to shelve all my endeavors and theirs in lieu of classes, though. I wrote the occasional ficly, but had I not had many websites related to writing bookmarked, I'd have forgotten many of them by now.
5. Hummus is good.
Roasted Red Pepper hummus on pita chips is my new snack love! It is much healthier than say, a chocolate covered granola bar. It is low in calories and filling. I also have learned to enjoy soup more; the light kind. I have been learning how to eat healthier. I don't think you ever stop learning how to be healthier. There is always new information.
6. I'm a giver.
I think about giving all the time. I wrote a lot about being a giver here on this blog over the years. I feel really crummy when I can't give. I desire to give and give, be busy and active, and that often means giving to others, even if it is just my time. I need to be selfish sometimes, too. I had some really bad times from 2008 to 2010, and was in a really dark place when I was unemployed. There was loss, struggle, depression, anguish, days where I never knew where help would come from or how we would make it through. But we did. I learned about myself. I am a mother first, a writer, and lastly a teacher. Teaching is a way of giving, too. That place I dreamed of back in 2009, I am here, now. This is the happiest and most stressful I've ever been. With great power comes great responsibility, right? Well, with great happiness comes great stress. You have to overcome to appreciate what you just did. Now that I have it, I need to remember what I was going to do with it.
7. Editing is good. Editing blog posts is good. Editing your life, trimming the excess fat so to speak, is good. Taking a step back to re-evaluate your life and make sure that it is really what is best for you is good. Editing includes organizing. When life feels cluttered, you need to stop and take time to de-clutter. Whether it be your closets, your career, your garden, or your email inbox, pruning the excess will help you breathe easier.
On that note, I will stop here and bring you my year in pictures in a future post. :)
UPDATE:
I learned two new words! Hirsute, and comorbidity. Look them up!
