My Baby Turns 10

My youngest turned 10 years old this weekend. Now, 10 year old boys are still crude in their behavior and language and they don't quite 'get' the world around them. They see the top layers and nothing underneath. They should have a decent grasp on manners, but they forget in their rush to enjoy life how to use them. They laugh at jokes you didn't think they understood, and soon you realize that they don't completely. They still need hugs and reassurance because they still have fears, but they want more independence and a later bed time.

When I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday, he couldn't decide. The available options for parties in this town were all done before he was 9; bowling, bouncing, laser tag, roller skating (not cool since 1st grade), and Bogey's fun center which isn't fully open due to cooler temperatures.

My husband suggested a movie. 2 hours of 10-year-old boys seated and mostly quiet?? Yes! So we met at the movie theater and paid for the earliest (and cheapest) show tickets. It cost a lot less than a party at one of those overused establishments.

But you can't have birthday cake at the theater. So we took the boys over to the Mall food court and enjoyed the cupcakes there.  (Generic food court picture.)

The boys asserted their independence by wandering into 2 stores on their own a few yards from our table. I think the store clerks had little heart attacks, but when I and another Mom showed up, they calmed down. Plus, in true 10 year-old fashion, they bought candy. It was more about buying candy with your friends in the Mall than learning a lesson about spending your birthday money unwisely on a 4 dollar bag of gummy bears. (One smaller than the one pictured.) That's a lesson for another day!

Hiking in Turkey Run State Park

It's Spring Break! I really needed these 12 days off..

While many people head toward the beaches and overpay for hotel rooms unless they know someone who lives there, we stayed home. I decided that one of the days I would take my boys hiking through one of our many State Parks. Turkey Run  (pdf. file scroll down and tilt your head to the right to see map) has by far the best hiking trails. It also has a long suspension bridge and plenty of exciting terrain. I knew they would love it and it would be a LOT of exercise.

The plan was to take trail 6 to the cabin and trail 11 to the old church and then come back to the van for lunch. We did trail 6 and decided that was enough hiking before lunch.

Cabin is made of poplar wood.

Lunch break!

We next went to the Nature Center, Alex's favorite part. We digested our lunch and watched some critters through one-way glass, Alex explored the touch table, (mostly the feathers because I showed him how the breaks in the feather fronds can sometimes go back together with a soft touch), and the live snakes and snapping turtle in the exploration room. (I should have changed camera settings more often to get the best lighting.)

Then began the hike. At first, the almost 9 year old claimed to be afraid of heights, but after he realized part of the trail was higher than the suspension bridge, he wasn't afraid any more. We crossed the bridge and Max decided we were going to go on trail 3. He wanted to do the ladders as well. So we took off. Little did I realize this trail was all ravine at the bottom and walking in the creek, then all stairs at the top! I was happy that though my knee grew sore, very sore, I was able to make it the entire way without extreme pain.

The bridge is moving!

One of the smaller sets of stairs. So. Many. Stairs.

We climbed this waterfall.

Smugness.

Finally got to the top, but then there were stairs! 140 of them.

Wet sock. No fun.

Stairs are exhausting. Especially after the hike up the ravine and waterfall.

The ladders! 3 of them like this. We went down. We survived.

Selfie.

Smile!

He kept laying on all the benches..wonder why?

Alex took this picture of the suspension bridge.

He took this one, too.

We were slightly muddy, sweaty, and tired when we finished our hike. We ended the day back in the Nature Center for a rest. Then I promised the boys some fun in the Game Room in the Inn. They enjoyed pinball, skee-ball, air hockey, and the motorcycle game. I let Alex buy a bag of shiny rocks for 3 dollars.

I slept really well!

A 13th Birthday Party Success: Seeing Your Teenager Make Good Choices

My son turned 13 this past week. 13!! I've never looked at the passage of time so intently as this week. He's on facebook now, he's jaded by media, and he has developed a sense of self-worth based on the supposed quality of material goods flouted by the media and his friends. The mall's shoes and clothes are better than Wal-Mart. He takes pride in 'proving' to me the benefits of buying 'better quality' shoes.

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He's also learning the social nuances in life. He's learning to host his friends and deal with his brother as well as respect his parents. This is a time to look at current events, wars, politics, racism, actions of a few, and hot topics in media and let him know our opinions and listen to his. This is a new stage for me, uncharted waters. Teenage waters.

I was working with a 3 year old this week who is an only child to parents who are older and cherish his every waking moment. Like all parents, they are giving him the best they can. He has developed a style of stalling, asserting his independence, and crying to get what he wants. He easily has his parents wrapped around his finger. They negotiate with him. ..He's 3!! Now is not the time for negotiating! The child did not like that I only gave him 2 choices. "Put your hat on your head or hang it up. It doesn't go on the floor." He tried to stall and whine, but he knew crying wasn't going to work when those didn't. He kept his hat on. After we played together and worked together on the lesson, he knew who was in charge. We came to an understanding. He knew I wasn't being 'mean' but I expected him to be nice to others.

I think the 3 year old and I did this once!

My youngest child is 8 1/2 now. I do not negotiate with him, I give him options. I tell him what he needs to do, how much time he has to do it, and if it is not done, he loses his privileges. When he needs guidance to complete a task, I give it. Sometimes I still need to supervise task like his teeth brushing so he doesn't brush only the outsides, or perhaps give a refresher on which toys go in which bins. His outbursts of frustration are a communication that he feels overwhelmed with a task. It's my job to see him through it. I might get frustrated, too, but I am the adult and I have to model how to handle frustration.

While I spent the formative years not negotiating with my children, at 13, it's time. It was time at 12 to start negotiating. That transition was rough. We had a few yelling matches as he felt I was being too hard on him while he was seeking accolades for achievement and I was looking for perfection in the task. He still has to do them, but with a longer leash to roam and accomplish them on his terms. He wanted more options, more time, and more freedom to make mistakes. This teaches him to manage his own time, a crucial skill for the new middle school student.

Asking your child to complete chores and assist with maintaining a clean house instills not only respect, but boundaries and a sense of duty.  If the jobs are not completed, natural consequences ensue, including no pay, dealing with stuck-on foods, stinky trash, or angry and disappointed parents. Giving your child an allowance, bargaining for internet time, maintaining that you expect homework finished and chores complete before doing fun stuff online keeps the ball in your court. Giving your child everything they want is passing the control to them.

For his birthday party, my 13 year old wanted to impress his friends. He took initiative with the chores, moving laundry, washing dishes and counters with a speed and diligence unknown in previous weeks. He even swept the floor until he complained about people soiling it! He shoveled the show off the walk for his guests and helped us clean the garage floor so it would smell nice inside the house with little complaint. (The dog had been housed in there when the temperature dropped below zero.)

Enter the guests.

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When your child respects you, they will project that air of respect to their guests who come over. While I gave my son and his friends free reign over the video games all night, they did not trash my house. I asked them to refrain from stomping about, shoot any more nerf weapons in the house, and to beware that the couch eats everything. I slept pretty well. They stayed up until 4AM and I do not have a large house. Had my son not had respect for his space, he would have told his friends it was okay to do things that I and his Father might disapprove of.

It was heart-warming to have him choose friends who are like him and who share similar values about entering the homes of others. I sat and enjoyed some videos with the boys and stayed out of their video game time. We chatted over pizza at the table. I listened to what they wanted to share with me and was 'cool Mom' for once in my son's life. That feels good.

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Parents Vs. Teacher: Discipline, How Do We Fix This?

As a teacher, you need parents to back you up. 

When you are trying to teach your student, their child, to follow directions and not back talk, roll their eyes, or cause a disruption, you need the parent to understand the situation and support the actions of the teacher to correct the student's behavior.

When this doesn't happen and the parents are upset at how things are handled with their child, a rift forms between the school from the administration level, who will defend the teacher, to the student's level, who comes to school with snarky remarks about how they were rewarded at home and their parents hate the teacher or school.

The student may learn to threaten the teacher with their parents' intrusion, misbehave in a way to get the administrator's attention either as a way to 'punish' the teacher, or as a way to simply get attention and have a story to tell the parents at home.

The bottom line is doing what is best for the student. The student cannot back talk adults. The student cannot go to the administration office every time they feel like it, because the teacher is 'driving them crazy'. There are rules. Those rules promote a respect-filled classroom and lead to a respect-filled adulthood for any boss in any future career.

What should the teacher do?

1. Promote positive discipline strategies. Get your administration on board, share your concerns, have a plan in place, then begin implementing a reward system. You may already have one, but it needs changed for this one student. Be visual, collect concrete data, reward with tangible objects. Give stickers, check marks that collect to earn a prize, behavior dollars, whatever the student and parent can see. If the student doesn't earn a reward, be specific as to why. Tell the student exactly what you expect. "You did not complete your work. I cannot give you a sticker for completing your work. I do like how you kept trying!"

2. Don't begin a bargaining war. "If you just do one more, then you can get a reward." Once you set the guidelines you HAVE to follow them.

3. Collect Data. Collect data on missed homework, behavior, or the behaviors specific to the parent's concerns. If Johnny or Susie did not get a sticker for three periods in a row, write down why and keep this data close at hand. If the parent wants to see their child's behavior chart data, show them. If a child has a meltdown, write out a description of the entire event. If possible, as it is happening with every word and every action, but if not, try to write down an account as soon as possible so it is fresh in your mind.

What Can Parents Do?

1. Establish clear communication with the teacher. Get all sides of the story. Perhaps the child is playing both sides of the field. Maybe the teacher is not using an effective strategy. Email the teacher frequently. Ask for a behavior chart to go home. Call, write, or even text. Programs like Engrade have an email feature built in, so when you check your child's grades, you can send a note to the teacher.

2. Give suggestions for effective strategies. You know your child, Ask for data, ask for a reward system. Work with the teacher to resolve issues. You can't expect miracles, but you can expect informed changes to be made.

3. Ask your child to give you specific examples. If all they can say is 'the teacher drives me crazy' or 'the teacher hates me', get more information. Was the child misbehaving? Did they get caught when a friend actually started it? Were they paying attention to the lesson? Did they talk back? What was actually said? Document it in an email query. Get to the bottom of it.

But as a teacher, please parents, if your child says they are upset because they didn't earn a reward, don't go out and buy that reward for them. Pacifying children this way reinforces their misbehavior at school and undermines the teacher's work. The reward is no longer appealing and therefore the student has no reason to behave in class.

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