Sunday, May 22, 2016

In My Dreams This Week (2)

It's been fun to share my dreams here. I haven't gotten a huge response, but people are reading them.

This week I dreamed I was on a school bus. Not any bus, but the special needs bus we take for CBI, or outings into the community. The bus driver was there. She was stopped, though, and I exited the bus with my class. The boys were to line up and wait for everyone to get off. 

While we were standing there I saw two kittens on the side of the road. I went to them and crouched down. One was white and tan and the other was white and gray. One was skinny and the other was fatter and healthier. I picked up the fatter one. I considered whether the bus driver would let me take them on the bus, but knew she wouldn't. Besides, we would normally return to school, where kittens would not be allowed, and I live in a cat-free home due to allergies. I had no choice but to leave the kittens there. I guess that was traumatic and insane enough to wake me, because the kittens and the bus vanished as I woke.

This dream was about the frustration of trying to show compassion. 

I teach in a special needs classroom for middle schoolers with severe and moderate special needs. I have a great group of kids, don't get me wrong. I have one who is frustrating. I have struggled with this student all year. I have been bitten, hit, pinched, and spit on while trying to teach this one a routine and how to work in school. I have wonderful assistants who jump in and help as well as teach for me when and where I need them to. I struggle to show compassion towards them when I need to say thank you and that I appreciate them. I struggle to think the student will ever learn compassion and fear that I am not doing what I need to to make a difference for all of my students.

Perhaps the bus part is because I feel I don't control this situation. I pause, I ponder over those kittens. In real life, I ponder over the situations with the student, the classroom dynamic, and the adults and how we handle situations as well as work together. I'm most often a passenger on the bus of life.

I am not in control.

That's okay.

I have cried over this student and the situations I found myself in. I have felt useless, defeated, and underappreciated. Others' opinions have made me see myself as a terrible teacher, terrible friend, and terrible coworker. 

As time went on, I learned that I am better for having experienced these feelings, dealt with them, found that all humans make mistakes, and to simply say thank you. It's okay to teach others to give up some control as well. You can't make students behave the way you want all the time. You can't make adults feel bad about themselves all the time to make yourself feel better about your decisions. Don't push me to fit into your mold. I will not fit. 

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