Forgiveness

I've known a piece of the puzzle was missing for a while.

When these words were spoken, they hit me in the heart. They even left me with an action step.

"Just as we exercise and eat well for the health of our body, we practice forgiveness for the health of our soul."

Three things I have to say.

1. Forgiving yourself is the first step to loving yourself and having happiness.

Oh man. This one is tough. Not forgiving yourself is a surefire way to fall back into your old ways, your old hurts, your old habits. I've been dealing with a cycle of depression and pain, and while it is not clinically bad, at the heart of it is this inability to forgive myself for the hurt I caused myself and for the guilt. I chose to stay in a state of wallowing in heartache. I did not accept the truth. I chose to blame others for my feelings. That doesn't make any sense! And it doesn't solve any problems. The answer is Forgiveness.


2. Just as there are no levels of love, there are no levels of forgiveness. It's a sliding scale.

I have done research on the types of love. The problem all researchers get into is how to define and classify love. They break things down into 3-6 categories, then when two of them interact, they call that another form of love. It's all true and well and good, but just as the eyes can see variations in colors into the millions, so love feels and is different in variations outside of those combinations. There are more intense colors and more intense feelings of connectedness than can be classified.

3. You have to PRACTICE.



Love in a marriage is hard to maintain. You have to work at it. That's because it is beyond the emotional highs that got you there. The love changes. It becomes something more comfortable and less exciting. Forgiveness requires that you practice it to do it. It is beyond the emotional lows that got you there. Forgiveness is more than the quick "I'm sorry" that slips out when you break someone's prized vase. It requires that you choose to actively not remember, yet still learn from it. It requires that you not hold something over another. You let it go. Don't hold grudges.

That being said, I find it easier to forgive others than myself. It's easier when the hurt you feel is caused by some small infraction.


The same holds true for yourself.

Never are my students more mad than when they are mad at themselves. That disappointment shatters your world. The fact that you are less than you thought you were, when your self-esteem crumbles, it breaks you. But you have to forgive yourself. Sometimes that means talking to others that you were angry at. You might see the folly of your feelings.

So what's my action step?

Well, I need to stop blaming my feelings on a sweet, innocent person who has no idea that I am projecting my feelings onto them. See, I assume they would feel and react as I would if our roles were reversed. I admit that I would act terribly and feel some negative things. But without asking or talking to them, I'm left with speculation and assumption. That's foolish. People are all different. I might find it easier to forgive myself if I am absolved from my thoughts that this other person would react negatively to me.

Your action step is to Extend Forgiveness, not when you feel like it, or when you feel like they deserve it, or even wait until they ask for it. Extend it now!

Finding Myself: Knowing My Limitations

I think the definition of wisdom, in decision making, but also in life, is knowing your limitations. It's knowing your own personal boundaries. It's knowing your strengths and weaknesses, too.

To focus on your strengths, you have to know what they are. Just as importantly, what they aren't. Be honest with yourself. Be self-aware. Listen to your body. Listen to your heart.

When faced with a decision, you weigh your options. Sometimes you have time to ask others for advice. Sometimes you have to choose something immediately. You make the best choice, given what you know.

Perhaps you overestimate yourself. What's the worst that could happen? You lose, you get hurt, you fail. 

In the past, this would have emotionally torn me to pieces. It would take days and weeks to recover a broken heart. I never tried and failed at physical tasks, so I'm not sure how long it would take to heal a broken bone. In this economy, it may take months to find a new job if that was the risk.

Perhaps, instead, you underestimated yourself. What if you succeeded, with such flying colors, that you received special accolades. You'd feel proud of myself, elated, and worth something. 

Knowing your limitations comes from trying things and either falling, or succeeding. I am not at the place where I have tried everything and can judge whether it will fail or succeed.

So I guess I keep trying. 

I will either fall on my butt, keep banging my head against the wall, find an alternate route, or succeed surprised and happy. I mean, that’s life, right? You can't just sit back and wait to see if it works for someone else first every time. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith.

I also have personal boundaries, where the answer is always "no". I don't smoke, for one. I don't cheat on my husband. I don't steal. But these kinds of boundaries often are not the ones you are asked to cross. You may have vowed to never eat fast food, have sex before your married, never give away your grandmother's antique sewing machine, or that you will never get naked in public. All of these are healthy, logical boundaries.

What if you are asked to cross them?

There might be an opportunity for you to experience another culture, to travel, or to fulfill a lifelong dream. But you realize that in order to achieve it, you have to cross one of your boundaries. Do you go, or stay home?

Home is our comfort zone. Home has boundaries, walls that may be flimsy, but they are safe. 

Opportunities are risks.

Sometimes we are buried under the stuff we pack around us. That stuff can be boundaries, memories, regret, promises, a career choice we feel obligated to have, a house full of life that feels stuffy instead of comfortable. We invest ourselves and root ourselves so deeply into a life of obligations, that we forget to, well, Live.

There is a limit to how much we can do in one life without getting burnt out, too.

Balance.

To be happy, you need to find a balance between living and existing to get by. Some days you have to simply exist and let the current of life carry you. Other days, you have to make a choice to do something to break free of the mundane. You have to list your priorities, your boundaries, your dreams, your goals, and what it takes to reach them. You have to decide what has to go and what can stay.

Do you go or do you stay?

Is this opportunity worth crossing the boundary you set? 

Who Am I? What are my strengths and weaknesses? 

I am a writer, a teacher, an optimist, a mother. I am a wife. 

I love nature, quiet moments, observing, but I also sometimes don't know when to stop talking. 

I am Christian. I love people. All people. I work with the disabled. 

I am good at figuring out what people are trying to communicate and empathizing in such a way as to get into their world for a bit and help them join in with others. I am a decent mediator. 

I am creative. 

I love fall. 

I am a terrible hostess. I am not that great at cooking. 

I am healthy. I am not a runner. 

I get really red in the face when I am stressed, good or bad. Not having the answers, the back up plans, stresses me out. 

I like to chat with people. 

I like to read. I do not like to write research papers or read long articles. I prefer creative writing to academic. I like dystopian novels. I like movies that make me feel good. 

I do not fit in with people who have fancy lives. I do not wear makeup; I don't know how. 

I love the woods. I love trees.

Find your Wisdom, Find Yourself.


My Friend posted on facebook a long comment that fits perfectly with this post and says better than I have what exactly I mean:

If I can do a five mile run thorough Christ who strengthens me then in Him, in His power I can do other things as well. Other things that make me uncomfortable . Other things that seem impossible for me. That ARE impossible for me. But not for Him. I am guilty of spending way too much time in my comfort zone in life. Relying on my own strength and shying away from things I feel called to do because it's beyond me. But not this year.           -Renee

 She felt her limitations were at 2 miles. But she found the strength to keep going. She ended up with that 'That wasn't so bad. I am proud of myself" feeling. And she found time and space to see herself in the grand scheme of God's plan once again.

That's what I took away from Packing Light. That's the lesson I keep finding and hearing and listening to over and over again this week.