A to Z - "U" is for Undecided

I'm not self-proclaimed the Mistress of Well-Intentioned Indecision for nothing!

I have a hard time making decisions. I want to weigh every piece of evidence, scrutinize every detail, and listen to every side of the story. I want to hear other opinions, debate with my head and heart, and then come to a very educated conclusion.

Sometimes there is no time for that.

I am the queen of the pregnant pause. It is better to not say anything at all than to say the wrong thing. I process things quickly, but I process many things, foreseeing many possible outcomes in that long pause in which the poor recipient of my decision must wait and must think I am ridiculously slow. My answer must therefore be eloquent and well-thought out, sensei-like, when I finally open my mouth to speak. I hope. I know this is not often the case, but I tried.

There are many areas of my life I am undecided on. I look back and see that my choices for my life have been good, but they may not be the same choices I want to keep making now. Facing change is difficult. It can be both exciting and terrifying.

Being on the cusp of something but in the shadows and unable to see it is not a comfortable place. Not having someone to ask questions of or any kind of guidance but your own intuition is risky. You could fail.

The trick is to learn to not fear failure. I'm not there yet so my decisions are made out of safety and not wanting to fail. There is plenty of room for improvement here! But that means I have to start failing. Gulp.

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My Future Is.. Undecided..

Day 9: How You Hope Your Future Will Be Like

I remember envisioning my future as a teenager. What girl doesn't imagine her future? It's a time when you consider college and family and moving out on your own. I always pictured a white picket fence and a big Victorian house with flower gardens and lots of pets and a happy flock of children. I thought back then that I would adopt kids or foster them. I never imagined the hard work it would take to acquire those things. I wanted beauty, color, peace, and sunshine.

I still want beauty, color, peace, and sunshine!

I never imagined the husband I would have, or what job I would do. I knew I would teach and be a mom and counsel. I didn't know in what order. Hey, I was flexible in my planning!

I still am.

I set goals short term, mostly. I haven't thought about where I see myself in 10 years, or heck even at the end of this one!

This is bad because it proves to me that I have no job prospects, no desire for a career. This stems from the past 6 years trying everything to build my reputation as a teacher. I had one awesome semester, where I proved to myself and to that elementary school that I could do it. But an opportunity exactly like that one has fizzled into non-existence. My drive to be that person has disappeared.

But not thinking ahead is also good because I can live in the moment. I also don't get worked up if a part of my Grand Plan fails.

Right now I am a writer. I've been storing up writing in notebooks and on post-its, on websites, and finishing projects during nano. My short term goals involve editing and coming up with a completed project through blood, sweat, and tears that I can fully support.

Writing is not a typical career, with salary and benefits. It is rewarding and satisfying.

So here's the dilemma I've been in for months now, job or write: how to be housemom, mother, writer, and bread earner?

Where does that leave my future? Still undecided.


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.