Sunday, March 15, 2015

Honesty: Who Am I? The Midlife Crisis or The Crossroads

I am not sure I really qualify for the mid-life crisis. I'm not in the middle of my lifespan (I hope). But I have been feeling like I am in the wrong place. Maybe I'm surrounded by the wrong people, or in the wrong town, or have the wrong job.  Feeling "wrong" seems to be a common occurrence among adults. This is why there are so many well-paid speakers out there giving inspirational speeches! I've even talked a little bit with my parents about how I feel. As an adult, the parents no longer really have much to say. This is my ship in the storm to guide, not theirs.

I'm feeling mediocre.

I think I missed the early adulthood phase where you do some major self-discovery and it is finally catching up with me. I was always the good girl doing what was expected of me. I went to college, never partied, had one solid relationship, got married, had kids, and chased after a career. I'm pretty boring. I color inside the lines.

And life is not so bad. It's not always easy nor pretty, and I do get depressed sometimes and happy other times, but it's not fraught with hardships. I have made a life with my husband that meets our needs. It is satisfying. Then again, I am not on any quests, nor adventures, either. I can't complain.

However, I am feeling restless.

So what do I want to do with my life?

I went to college to become a special needs teacher. As I have progressed through this field, struggled to find a job, gone back to college for more training, and am finally working in a position I feel most confident, I constantly second-guess myself. There is always someone out there who can do things in a different and more effective way. I do include those kinds of thinkers on my team and value their input, modeling their styles when I can, but I also feel so dumb and incapable beside them when they share their knowledge with me.

I worked with many kinds of special needs people at all ages. I love when I am able to connect with someone and they do something they've never done before. I like tutoring. I tutor some students with special needs and some without. I think one way I might go is to become an ABA therapist. This is an up and coming field and much more flexible than teaching for locations where you can work. Plus, the work is more of a therapy where one-on-one work is performed. I have always been better at one-on-one.

What I really love to do is write. I didn't know this in my college years. It's nearly too late to go back and take classes. Where could I go with it? This future is cloudy, but also would most likely give me the adventure and freedom I seek.

I've thought about being some kind of speaker, promoting my book, generating interest and dollars and traveling the country. I don't have a topic. What do I have to say? I am passionate about Education, Special Needs, Parenting, Blogging, Love, and Creative Writing. What can I do with this?

If I write a book about these things and promote it, will I be happy?
If I do not, is the next step for me ABA therapy?

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