Overraction: What Do You Do If Things Get Out of Hand?

A friend said, what happens if you face your fear and the reaction is WORSE than you expected??

This is a valid question. I shouldn't say that if you face your fears, everything will work out okay. Sometimes it doesn't work out okay.

Step One: Reevaluate the situation. If you have time afterwards to debrief, review with yourself why things got so out of hand. What was said, by whom, when did the emotions really amp up? What was the turning point?

(I had a co-worker, the same one in the previous post, who became irate at one point in the course of our working together at the working situations. They pointed all failures at me. Our conversation was documented, by me, as I tried to puzzle out what else to do.)

Step Two: Perhaps you need to apologize for something you said, but don’t make excuses and promise not to do it again. You have to do it again! This was your fear, and it will remain in control of you if you don’t figure out a way around it.

(I don't remember making excuses, but continuing to try new things. I don't remember apologizing, either, which may have been a mistake, but the situation was a condition of our employment and these things happen. We can't prevent them all. I reached out to my support team for strategies. We had to deal with this and face it every day.)

Step Three: Prepare yourself mentally. Next time you need a new game plan. Explain how and why you are feeling what you are feeling as they happen. Yes, even out loud to another person. Communication helps you gain perspective and ground you and calm you.

(I had to help explain how the person in crisis was feeling. During crisis, I had to remind my team of procedure, the agreed upon steps to try from my support team and training. We had to debrief, what worked, what didn't, after the crisis moment was over. Then we could plan for the next time.)

Marvelous May - Choosing to see the good for Mental Health Month

May is always a good month for me. It's my anniversary month (15 years this year!), my birthday month (older than 15), Mother's Day, and a break from work at the end for Memorial Day.



It's also Mental Health Month.

I love this inclusive infographic about self-care. Self-care is SOOO important.

I'm trying to count my blessings every day this month by seeking out things that make me happy. Day one, my husband gave me a bookmark.

Day 2, he sent me two GIFs. (ha ha punny) One was a crystal and one was a watch because those are the gifts you traditionally and modernly receive on your 15th anniversary.

I'm determined to make May the best month, to live up to its reputation, but it's entirely all about my ATTITUDE and choosing to SEEK AND FIND THE GOOD.

Mental Health - Art of Shawn Coss

While May is the official Mental Health Month, I saw this post (a few months late) and had to share it.

I find art to be a beautiful and dramatic form of expressing feelings there are no words for. When it comes to mental health, art is a great way to share what's going on up there.

A friend shared this art on their facebook timeline, and perhaps you have seen it because it has 3.1million views, but Shawn Coss illustrated a few mental illnesses for Inktober and it speaks to people.

       

Every year thousands of artists get involved with Inktober, where for 31 days of October, you ink a drawing for each day.

I decided to go off the usual prompt and focus on mental illnesses and disorders.

I'm sharing the depression one because it shows the fight it takes to just get up when you feel like you are being dragged down.



And also the bipolar one, because I have several friends who are afflicted with this.

Go HERE to see the rest. Go to his facebook page and follow him if you want to see more of his work.

Night to Shine

I've had a couple weeks of being down in the dumps. Many things conspire and unite to bring me down. It's a bad time of year. I find myself needing to work on the Spiritual leg of my wellness triangle in order to improve the emotional/mental leg. In order to support myself emotionally, I need my friends to help my soul find its center.

So, I reached out to a couple people for chit chat and I went to church, where I reconnect with my Spiritual center. I also volunteered at Night to Shine which was awesome. What a great way to forget about your troubles, help others, have fun, make new friends, and be awesome!

What I did:

Set up, with help, the sensory room. A Sensory room is a quiet(er) space with less light, noise, and lots of HUGE pillows and a few chairs or bouncy workout balls for people to get a break from the dancing and eating and push of people.

In my room there was a special guest: Hawkeye the therapy dog!

Immediately after this event Hawkeye was featured in the local paper.

My picture during Night to Shine is not in the photo album, so you can't see me. The album does not come close to depicting all the fun that was had. My tutoring student went and his mother asked if they were going to do it again next year. I said they want to. It was an amazing event!

Then it was my parent's 40th wedding anniversary. 40 years, people! The hubby and I decided that we needed to take them out to a fancy place for early dinner and it had to be some place new. We picked the Hibachi grill here in town, called Tokyo. It's kinda like this:



We prepped them, because they do not eat food like this, that they could order steak and chicken and it comes with one little shrimp. My father asked if he needed to bring his own fork. No, Dad, you don't have to eat with chopsticks.

My mother tried shrimp for the first time. It was seasoned with the sauce that they put on everything, but she tried it! I mean, she wouldn't even eat the soup made of chicken broth...

They didn't quite get the whole show, because we were seated to the side, and they refused to allow the man to fling zucchini into their mouths, but they got out of the house and had a little dinner and a show and they didn't hate it. That's a win. You need some wins in your 40 years of marriage, don't ya think??


Well, I must go now to do other things to keep my wellness triangle balanced.

Physical: I have been consistently hitting 5.25 miles on the elliptical. If I go for a walk with the dog we go about 2.25 and he makes me jog sometimes. I still can't jog or run for more than a sprint. It hurts my knees and shins. But I am working on it.

Emotional/Mental: I will work on maintaining connections to friends. I will try to lift them up when they need me so that perhaps they will lift me up when I need them.

I also have been writing more and felt the desire to write more. This is a good thing. I've been keeping up on learning about building my author platform. It's time to begin to flesh out the framework.

I'm taking care of my pets. Let's face it, petting the cat or dog is soothing. And with the weather (winter here) being so mild, I've been able to walk the dog and get some extra physical health in.

Spiritual: It is high time I started highlighting or underlining scriptures in my ne Bible, transferring them from my old Bible. It's a good way to refresh what I know. Plus, the new Bible has study helps so I can learn more.

How are my 2017 Goals coming along?

It's time for a goals update!

Physical - I have been able to hit the 5 mile mark on the elliptical. This is huge for me. I am enjoying the smaller digit on the scale, too, but I know it's time to stop looking at the numbers there and start looking at muscle tone and clothing size numbers instead.

Mental/Emotional - I have really enjoyed talking with my best friend. I sometimes worry that I am monopolizing their time, but so far they haven't told me I'm annoying. I still struggle with my inferiority complex and some attention seeking, but I keep most of that to myself. It is not helpful.

Spiritual - It's hardest to remember to commune with your spiritual advisor when you are happy and busy. While things are not always peachy, I mean, my car is broken and I'm not enjoying driving the back-up vehicle, but I thank goodness I HAVE a backup vehicle, things mostly are trucking along. I'm involved in this Special Needs Prom. I'm involved in my church. I have reminders from people I love and respect to stay in tune with this important third leg of the wellness triangle.


I'm okay. There were some bumps in the financial road, but things are still okay. January is like that. Let's hope that the year stays on track.

New Year Reflection and Words on Budgeting

It's a few days into the new year, so I'm late in wishing everyone a Happy New Year. I usually do a resolutions post, and I have certainly been reviewing my goals and deciding what steps to take next in my life.

Most of the goals I had written for this year two years ago in my 5 year plan are still right on track. There are a couple surprises, though. Life is like that.

For example just yesterday my car broke, I was late to work, I'm fighting off an illness, and this freak storm took out one of our lamps and the screen door and a few more shingles off the roof.

Where was I? Oh, yes, goals.
I usually focus on all the areas of well-being when I make these kinds of plans. I like to be balanced. When things get off-balance, I am no longer healthy and happy.

The three parts to well-being are physical, emotional, and spiritual.

1. Physically, I always set some sort of health goal. 2016 was about health. All the goals I had about my body and those of my family were met. 2017 is going to be about exercise and staying healthy. While on break from work for the holidays it was easy to get a workout in. Now that I am back to work, I am fighting some days to get a workout. Things have happened that also have prevented me from doing one, like vehicular trouble so I don't get home until bedtime. This is an area where I have the tools and knowledge, I just need to use them.

2. Emotional/mental health for me is tied to social goals. Happiness is found in friendship, fun, and maintaining my hobbies. I have ideas for vacations or day trips written down as well as goals for writing, blogging, and editing.

3. Spiritual health for me comes from my religion. While I know my readers are diverse and I have diverse friends as far as spiritual matters are concerned, I do believe that no matter what you believe, time needs to be taken to contemplate life; to slow down and think. I really feel that these times of self-reflection are at the heart of great ideas, focus, and calming a raging storm, especially if you feel that storm is inside you.


Where do finances come into play? They certainly are stressful and affect all aspects of your life.

You have to find balance here, too. Making a budget and sticking to it increases your peace of mind. Not being stressed increases your physical health. Spiritually, you may decide to make a tithe or a donation to the charity of your choice.

Fixing things like broken lamps and faucets

(See the crack in the middle?)

certainly takes money and can set you back. This is why a budget is important. Pull up a spreadsheet and start typing categories, amounts, and dates into its little organized squares. Print a template and fill it in. Somehow take a look at your spending and income and figure it out. If you have a goal in mind, like a cruise (I wish), then figure it up and start saving towards it. Sure, pennies in a jar can work if you have plenty of them, but deciding on an amount to set aside every paycheck works faster.

If it seems money is disappearing faster than you can make it, a budget sheet will prove to you whether it really is or not. It may also help you make tough decisions.

3 Small Steps to Fight Back Against Depression

Depression is a disease. But that means there is a treatment. Some of it is medical, with therapies and drugs, but there is a part that is metaphysical. YOU!

The opposite of self-depreciation is self-confidence. I know this part is hard and it doesn't happen every day. You need to start small. Pick a day or time you feel 'okay' and ready to make some plans for the future. 

What to do to get self-confidence: 

1. Journal or share one good thing that happened that day or the previous one. Explore your feelings in written form or out loud. Maybe ask a friend to share one thing they like about you. Tell someone a happy memory you had with them, or ask them to share a happy memory of you. 
Focus on the pride in yourself. 

2. Next, you need a set of goals for the day, the week, the month, and the year. Perhaps it is simply that you not miss a class, wear a new vibrant color, try a new restaurant, or visit a fun public place. 

3. Lastly, you need to reward yourself for a job well-done. Maybe you finish your homework so you listen to a favorite radio station. This is the first step to self-love - self-respect and allowing yourself to have good thoughts and a treat for good choices.

Feel SUPER! You did it!


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

A to Z - "A" is for Acceptance

Having posted about some issues I have had recently, it's time to address Acceptance.

I had the opportunity to re-read some posts from two years ago. I can see growth. The way I wrote blog posts two years ago is different from now. I used a more casual and immature tone. I'm quite embarrassed and really want to go back and edit. Really.

Then I tried to branch out into some mainstream advice, including research, on nutrition, big deal. I found it all very shallow. Nothing revelatory.

I tried to give out some marriage tips. I'm not very good a that.

I shared my disappointment over my position at work and all the baggage that goes with it. I still don't know how to deal with it all. However, I have to come to terms with it.

And I need a plan.

So far, I have seed ideas. I have to accept them, nurture them, see if anything will grow. Part of getting over this ordeal is to plan a way to deal with it; not hide from it, not run from it, not pretend it doesn't exist, but face it head on. Sometimes that takes a leap of faith.

Faith leads to belief. Even if that belief is finally and only in yourself.

Acceptance

I was down and out
In shadow
Never sun

I argued inside
On Outside
All smiles

I cried in the night
No watchers
Hear me not

I waited inside
Still looking
Watching out

One day I saw it
In brightness
The sunshine

I prepared myself
To Embrace
Good Enough





This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Honesty: Who Am I? The Midlife Crisis or The Crossroads

I am not sure I really qualify for the mid-life crisis. I'm not in the middle of my lifespan (I hope). But I have been feeling like I am in the wrong place. Maybe I'm surrounded by the wrong people, or in the wrong town, or have the wrong job.  Feeling "wrong" seems to be a common occurrence among adults. This is why there are so many well-paid speakers out there giving inspirational speeches! I've even talked a little bit with my parents about how I feel. As an adult, the parents no longer really have much to say. This is my ship in the storm to guide, not theirs.

I'm feeling mediocre.

I think I missed the early adulthood phase where you do some major self-discovery and it is finally catching up with me. I was always the good girl doing what was expected of me. I went to college, never partied, had one solid relationship, got married, had kids, and chased after a career. I'm pretty boring. I color inside the lines.

And life is not so bad. It's not always easy nor pretty, and I do get depressed sometimes and happy other times, but it's not fraught with hardships. I have made a life with my husband that meets our needs. It is satisfying. Then again, I am not on any quests, nor adventures, either. I can't complain.

However, I am feeling restless.

So what do I want to do with my life?

I went to college to become a special needs teacher. As I have progressed through this field, struggled to find a job, gone back to college for more training, and am finally working in a position I feel most confident, I constantly second-guess myself. There is always someone out there who can do things in a different and more effective way. I do include those kinds of thinkers on my team and value their input, modeling their styles when I can, but I also feel so dumb and incapable beside them when they share their knowledge with me.

I worked with many kinds of special needs people at all ages. I love when I am able to connect with someone and they do something they've never done before. I like tutoring. I tutor some students with special needs and some without. I think one way I might go is to become an ABA therapist. This is an up and coming field and much more flexible than teaching for locations where you can work. Plus, the work is more of a therapy where one-on-one work is performed. I have always been better at one-on-one.

What I really love to do is write. I didn't know this in my college years. It's nearly too late to go back and take classes. Where could I go with it? This future is cloudy, but also would most likely give me the adventure and freedom I seek.

I've thought about being some kind of speaker, promoting my book, generating interest and dollars and traveling the country. I don't have a topic. What do I have to say? I am passionate about Education, Special Needs, Parenting, Blogging, Love, and Creative Writing. What can I do with this?

If I write a book about these things and promote it, will I be happy?
If I do not, is the next step for me ABA therapy?

Top 3 Goals for the Summer

Summer Break is basically a long stay-cation. While I do have two tutoring jobs and I am playing chauffeur for the oldest's summer police camp, the rest of my days are free to plan as I see fit. Speaking of fit, that brings me to some summer goals I have because while I may have 8 weeks until I go back to work, those 8 weeks will fly by! I want to have something to show for it.

Goal #1:  Physical Health - Exercise

I need to remember to keep exercising this summer. I have 8 weeks to new habits. What could you do with 8 weeks?

Some tips for adding healthful choices to your summer:

1. Get active! - Make a point to do something physical every day; a Hiit workout, a long walk, pull ups on the playground, a game of soccer with your kids. Do something every day to get your heart rate up.

2. Meal choices - Sometimes it is way too hot to cook! Make a point, however, to get plenty of vegetables, even on vacation.

3. Snack choices - If you decide to have a picnic, take a day trip, or even while on a traditional vacation, pack healthy snacks. I love granola bars, fresh fruit, and raw veggies. Raisins, trail mix, or some dry cereal (not the sugary kind), are good, too.

4. Drink choices - Drink lots of water. If you eat out, dine in, take a hike, or wake up, drink water. Not only does it fight heat exhaustion and do wonders for your health, it is cheaper than sodas in restaurants. I'm all about saving money!

Besides, American Ninja Warrior looks so fun!

Goal #2: Emotional Health - Planning

I already mentioned that I have lots of time to fill. There will be hot days with lots of down time. The month of July is pretty wide open as of this point. So, to avoid depression, doldrums, or lack of motivation, the key for me is to plan out projects, fun times, and things to look forward to all summer long.

One great project idea is to make things with the kids. I love looking up ideas for summer fun play, like these that include water bombs from sponges, pool noodle croquet,  making a fairy garden cheaply, giant bubbles, and sun ovens.

I also look for educational activities like teaching my kids to cook, exploring nature, photography and scrapbooking, arts and crafts, and science experiments (like this).While they are not looking forward to 'school with Mom', I would be remiss if I did not keep their brains engaged.

Planning is also the key to tackling the major house cleaning I need to do, like purging items for a yard sale, deep cleaning areas rarely touched, and re-organizing or re-purposing items for a fresh feel.

Meanwhile, I am keeping my classroom in the back of my mind, because I need to make huge changes in there for the fall.


Goal #3: Mental Health - Have fun!

Boy do I need to unwind! I like to have fun. I might dance, do some fun crafts, write the next greatest novel, or sit by my new fire bowl at night and watch the boys catch fireflies. I might read, or go for a picnic, or bike ride. I can unwind in a calm or active way. Sometimes exercise relieves stress better than a relaxing bath.

Whatever you need to do to clear your head, do it! I find that if I do a monotonous or repetitive task, like vacuuming, counted cross stitch, or am in a place where I can't get distracted from my thoughts, like the bathroom or the car without music, then I begin to muddle through life's issues and problem solve, or have creative ideas. (caffeine also works, but not recommended :D)

Make time to make memories!

Mental Health: Turning Negative Thoughts to Positive Ones

I'm a slacker.

Here's my excuse:
This has been a tough year (January and February), emotionally. I would come home completely drained, and still have documentation to write, which means I had to relive the day. I would then watch TV shows that allowed me to escape reality for a little while. I would have anxiety dreams of all kinds at night, and do it all over again the next day.

I am just now (at the end of April) getting over the stress that hit me in January and February and March.

I am new to this whole 'dealing with people' thing in the way that they manipulate words and ask leading questions, and pry, and gossip, and manipulate others around me so that I am entangled in a web of deceit and emotional trauma and drama.

I asked others for help, and was given assignment after assignment and change after change to make. I was given direction after direction and made every effort to keep trying new things. I struggled. I limped along. I cried. I tried to find my grip on the edge of truth, justice, and sanity. Finally, the persons who instigated this drama got fed up and left. I must not have played into their hand the way they wanted. I'm counting it a victory.

Then another drama came along. I, in my lack of tact and wisdom and maturity, did not approach the persons involved professionally and just say the words plainly and privately. I have some guilt with that. I also have not been taking good data. I am really guilty and upset over that.

I have to pick myself up instead of beating myself up. I have to create a new beginning. I can start the data collection now. (Why is there so much data collection?!? Can I have an aide just to do data collection?!?)

While this may help solve my problems, the point here is to look at how I turn negative thoughts:
"I'm such a failure."
"I can't do this."
"I want to quit."
"I'm a slacker."

into positive ones:
"I just need to reorganize."
"I need to step back and rethink things."
"I need to talk to that person."
"I can do this. It will take time, but I can do this."

I accept them. I can't fight myself. These are problems that need solving.

When I was able to solve the problems, my dreams returned to vacationing instead of fleeing. The getaway that I truly desire is not one that makes me run with fear and trepidation.

More than anything, I have been dreaming of writing. I have been dreaming of summer. I could use a writer's retreat! I could also use a massage, and yoga lessons, and a hot tub, and a pedicure...

But I digress.

The truth is, I have to admit that I am not a slacker. I have had to divert my efforts and energies into pursuits I am less passionate about and find less fulfilling. I have had to give 13 tests. I have had to write 10 papers. I have had to pay bills, register for a big exam, work out my sons' school locations for next year, be a Mom, a wife, and a teacher. I have had to juggle life a bit.

I may be writing an excuse, but it is not a complaint. I have learned so much this year! I have learned that it is time I grew a set of balls. It is painful to grow a set, but once they are in, directing others will be easier. I'm way too nurturing, accommodating, and respectful of other's feelings to step on toes, even when they need stepping on.

I can learn, painful as it is. I can deal with people. I can get my work done, manage my time, and still watch a little mind-numbing  TV at the end of the day.

I can do this.

Mental Health: Rest and Organization

I have been exhausted lately. I get home from a stressful day at work and I want to do nothing but watch TV. This doesn't feel healthy.

It's still winter, and the early darkness, everlasting cold, and periods of snow that have wreaked havoc upon school schedules have also created some pent-up aggression in students who need to get out and move, in turn, creating chaos and discipline issues in my job.

(Not my classroom, but at times is has looked like this...)

Mary Kay is starting to look good. Or a career as writer. Or both together. Why did I go into education??

It only takes one student flying off the handle to ruin the tone for the whole day. While I love them all bunches they each have a bad day every once in awhile, some more than others, and when they each take turns, those bad days turn into bad weeks.

It's up to me to create solutions. I reschedule things. I create new lessons. I change plans. I remove items from the room. I intervene earlier, trying to keep the rest of the class going while one student is dealt with. I send emails. I meet with supervisors. Then I get back to the paperwork and daily things that need doing just to keep up.

My body feels the tiredness from the workout of my brain.

So what do I do to chill out and take a mental rest from the grind?

Sometimes I do watch TV. Sometimes I need a hot shower or bath. Usually the drive home, listening to the radio allows me some time to debrief. I can reflect on the day, what worked, and what didn't. I get to plan my evening's homework, which is usually very little because there are so few hours left. I help my children with homework, eat dinner, do my chill out thing, maybe some homework, and then it is bedtime.

There is nothing I need more than rest. I have been googling vacations. Obviously, I desire one.

There is some comfort in a clean, organized space. That kind of space can be a mental breather.
I do not have that right now at home, nor at work, due to time spent catching up. I feel defeated in time management. I can't wait for spring break.

One goal for myself is to organize and clean up one area each day. Whether it be at home or work, I have to get something looking and feeling in control; managed.

Another thing you can do, and I try to do, is to organize your (my) mind. Step one is to take charge of your worry, anger, sadness, and irritation.

I have had to fade some pesky demons in the beginning of this year. I have had to learn when to reach out for support, when to stop kicking myself, and when to accept that I was not solely responsible for the actions of others even if they happen in my space.

The next step is to stop and focus on one thing at a time. I know I get to thinking about several things at once. I have to write them down and then conquer them one by one. Even if it's an email I need to send, a note to a parent to write, or pages to copy, all the little things can build clutter in my mind trying to be be remembered. 

While there are more steps, and you are welcome to click the link, these first two are most important. When juggling family, career, personal obligations and goals, and your health, it is best to keep your health at the forefront. You can't juggle anything if you are sick, tired, or mentally exhausted.

Mental Health: Self-Abuse: Negative Self-Talk

March is Self-Harm Awareness Month.

Seriously.

What comes to mind when you hear the words 'Self-Harm'? I bet you think of cutting, suicide, abusing drugs or alcohol, or smoking.

But overarching this is a category called Self-Abuse.

Merriam Webster defines Self-Abuse as: things that you do that harm your own body or health

According to Wikipedia this includes:

• Self-harm, the intentional, direct injuring of one's own body without suicidal intentions
• Self-destructive behaviour, patterns of behaviour to inflict metaphorical or literal harm on oneself
• Self-inflicted wound, harming oneself without psychological problems but to take advantage of being injured
• A euphemism for masturbation (also under self-abuse in the dictionary)

I'm going to take out the last inclusion, because euphemisms are not what I want to discuss.

I want to focus on a form of self-abuse that is mental. Negative self-talk. This is a form of Self-Destructive Behavior.

Negative self-talk can be a runaway train. Your mind goes around in circles replaying a negative event or your own shortcomings. You may think that you're getting in touch with your true feelings, but bad feelings have a way of getting worse the more attention you give them. -WebMD

Anytime you feel like you want to just give up, that something is too hard, that you aren't 'good' enough, you are abusing yourself.

"I'm not cut out for this."

"I'm not creative enough."

"I can't believe anyone would find me attractive."

"I should curl up in bed and stay all day."

An important aspect of self-destructive behavior is the inability to handle the stress stemming from an individual's lack of self-confidence. -Wikipedia

Thoughts like these are harmful and abusive and often lead to other forms of self-abuse. Convincing yourself that you have no friends, should stop eating, are worthless, or have no reason to be here is the first step on a path to disorder, most commonly, depression.

Self-destructive behaviour is often a form of self-punishment in response to a personal failure, which may be real or perceived. It may or may not be connected with feelings of self-hatred.

In a project by photographer Gracie Hagen (link NSFW) to speak out against the 'Hollywood' view of the perfect body, women were asked to pose for pictures with bad posture and then good posture. Her subjects go from sexy to awkward simply by hunching their shoulders, sticking their stomachs out and contorting their bodies. The difference between the two photos - which are taken in exactly the same light and from the same angle - is staggering and could easily be mistaken for portraits of two different women.

When you believe negative things about yourself, you show it on the outside, too.  Your posture, your words, your attitude, your expression, your wardrobe, your 'aura', so to speak, will radiate to others 'stay away'.

Let's say you think you have nothing interesting to say. If you keep telling yourself that, other people are going to see you that way, too.

In fact, people who think negatively tend to be less outgoing and have weaker social networks than positive thinkers. Multiple studies link positive emotions with more satisfying relationships, more romance, and lower rates of divorce. -WebMD

How can you love others, find happiness, or enjoy yourself if you don't love yourself and allow yourself to have fun, laugh, and enjoy the day?

The opposite of negative self-talk is self-confidence. Now, you can't go saying positive things when you feel self-abusive, because your internal lie-detector goes off and makes you feel worse for lying. (#2 Power of Possible Thinking) So, you need to think that things are 'Possible'. "I know how to do this." "I know what the first step is."

With any process, there are steps. Small and big ones. Sometimes they are scary and unpleasant, but they need to be done and you can do it. Remember how good it will feel to do them, and reward yourself when you do get them done.

What about me?
I have had a rough February. I have experienced some negative self-talk. For me, my husband has been able to help me see reason and quell my fears. Those fears were not entirely irrational, but there was a step to take, a simple one, that I was taking and continue to take, and he needed to remind me that it would protect me from what I feared. I was taking down written data and that could stand for me. I had backup. I had proof. Though I am not perfect, I was trying, and I had proof that I was following protocol and trying whatever I had to do to get through the rough patch. 

I had to stop telling myself that I was useless or stupid or incapable of getting through this. I had to stop thinking that I was going to fail or quit. I had to take solace in the fact that I was doing what I was supposed to and I had a team who would help if they could. I saw my flaws, and I had to figure out how to deal with them. There are so many people I need to thank!

Do I still have flaws? Yes. Do I have a plan for dealing with them? Not quite yet. I will have to tackle my lack of assertiveness one battle at a time. One step at at time. I have to get comfortable with my role and my limits and the room I have to express myself without stepping on other's toes. I'm still stumbling around in the dark and I haven't found the light switch to make everything clear and bright.

And that's okay.

For now.