Trust Takes These Three Things

I've always thought that I would write a book about Love. I have notes and research on Love and even made a little powerpoint to share some of my ideas and my perspective on Love.

The problem is, Love is a HUGE topic. There are many facets to it and I have never found my niche in the topic.

Until today.

It's not really Love that I'm an expert in. Who is. really?? It's Trust.

Trust is a key element in relationships and one that I take very seriously. Can you Love someone deeply, wholly, and fully if you can't Trust them? No.

Trust is hard-won and not easily given out. I know I guard my Trust with impenetrable walls. I don't let people even prove their trustworthiness to me without several tests. It might make me a doubter to not Trust others right away, but you learn to protect yourself and to see red flags that indicate a person might not be honest.

When your Trust is broken, you are hurt. You suffer. You learn to guard it more closely and not give out your heart so easily.

But you have to give it out again. It might take a while to make this decision after you've been hurt. The healing process should take at least as long as the build up of the relationship to the hurtful moment. So if you knew someone for 3 years and then they turned on you, it might take 3 years for you to forgive them, forget some of their tresspasses, and begin to Trust someone else.

So what does it take to Trust?

It takes three things.



1. Reliability - Keeping Promises. A person must prove that they do exactly what they say they are going to do. This can be a simple as calling you when they say they are going to call you. If they say, "Hey, I'm gonna call you right back," and they never do or have some excuse that's lame for not doing so, they haven't passed the first test of Trust.

This is the easiest series of tests. You can entrust them with more and more promises and if they keep them, they are well on their way to breaking through to your inner walls.



2. Acceptance - For who you are. Trust is earned when a person truly accepts you for who you are, no matter what was in your past. They don't gossip about your past, brag that they 'fixed' you, nor act like they are better than you. If they act like they 'saved' you. they are still seeing the past you and they have the potential to pull that wildcard out and accuse you of reverting to said behavior so they can 'save' you again. Instead, they encourage you, listen to you, and believe that you can be awesome. They won't try to beat you at everything in life and accept your successes.

This is harder to prove and takes more time with the person. If you are in Love with them at this point, you might not see that they think they are your savior and will be blindsided later by their competition and wanting to be better than you. If they don't exhibit trait number three, that is.



3. Honesty - Not saying what others want to hear. You're probably hanging out a lot with this person and you might witness their interactions with other friends. Do they talk bad about them behind their backs? Do they tell the others what they think they want to hear? Don't fool yourself into thinking that they would not do the same behind your back. They would.

Honesty is an inherent trait in those that are trustworthy and is present at the Reliability stage. You will witness it in their explanations for being late or asking for forgiveness for breaking a promise. You will see it in their Acceptance, as they tell you what they really think about people like you, how they struggle with concepts and are learning, or how they deal with situations. If you are seeking a relationship with a person and they go behind others' backs with their words, hiding their true feelings, then they can easily hide their feelings from you.

These three things I value most in a friend. I will Love you with all my being and forever if I can Trust you. I am honest in keeping my promises and will not promise things I cannot do. If you ask and I think I cannot do it, I will let you know my anxieties. If I'm telling you my anxieties, I expect you to share yours at some point in return.

I can Accept you where you are right now and encourage you to be a better you. If I struggle with the lifestyle you led before, I will talk with you about it to gain clarity. I expect honesty and clarity in return. I expect answers to my questions, or if it is too painful for you, honestly tell me that you wish not to tell me right now.

Trust is a huge part of Love. If you want to get into my inner circle, closest to my heart, you have to pass these tests of Trust. I hold the closest walls shut tight for fear of really hurting in betrayal. Sometimes I feel like no one really 'knows' me because of this, but actually, people do. They can see over that wall and into my true being if they get that close. They figure me out like the final puzzle to win the key to my heart. That's when I know it is safe to give it.

A to Z - "A" is for Acceptance

Having posted about some issues I have had recently, it's time to address Acceptance.

I had the opportunity to re-read some posts from two years ago. I can see growth. The way I wrote blog posts two years ago is different from now. I used a more casual and immature tone. I'm quite embarrassed and really want to go back and edit. Really.

Then I tried to branch out into some mainstream advice, including research, on nutrition, big deal. I found it all very shallow. Nothing revelatory.

I tried to give out some marriage tips. I'm not very good a that.

I shared my disappointment over my position at work and all the baggage that goes with it. I still don't know how to deal with it all. However, I have to come to terms with it.

And I need a plan.

So far, I have seed ideas. I have to accept them, nurture them, see if anything will grow. Part of getting over this ordeal is to plan a way to deal with it; not hide from it, not run from it, not pretend it doesn't exist, but face it head on. Sometimes that takes a leap of faith.

Faith leads to belief. Even if that belief is finally and only in yourself.

Acceptance

I was down and out
In shadow
Never sun

I argued inside
On Outside
All smiles

I cried in the night
No watchers
Hear me not

I waited inside
Still looking
Watching out

One day I saw it
In brightness
The sunshine

I prepared myself
To Embrace
Good Enough





This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Mental Health: Turning Negative Thoughts to Positive Ones

I'm a slacker.

Here's my excuse:
This has been a tough year (January and February), emotionally. I would come home completely drained, and still have documentation to write, which means I had to relive the day. I would then watch TV shows that allowed me to escape reality for a little while. I would have anxiety dreams of all kinds at night, and do it all over again the next day.

I am just now (at the end of April) getting over the stress that hit me in January and February and March.

I am new to this whole 'dealing with people' thing in the way that they manipulate words and ask leading questions, and pry, and gossip, and manipulate others around me so that I am entangled in a web of deceit and emotional trauma and drama.

I asked others for help, and was given assignment after assignment and change after change to make. I was given direction after direction and made every effort to keep trying new things. I struggled. I limped along. I cried. I tried to find my grip on the edge of truth, justice, and sanity. Finally, the persons who instigated this drama got fed up and left. I must not have played into their hand the way they wanted. I'm counting it a victory.

Then another drama came along. I, in my lack of tact and wisdom and maturity, did not approach the persons involved professionally and just say the words plainly and privately. I have some guilt with that. I also have not been taking good data. I am really guilty and upset over that.

I have to pick myself up instead of beating myself up. I have to create a new beginning. I can start the data collection now. (Why is there so much data collection?!? Can I have an aide just to do data collection?!?)

While this may help solve my problems, the point here is to look at how I turn negative thoughts:
"I'm such a failure."
"I can't do this."
"I want to quit."
"I'm a slacker."

into positive ones:
"I just need to reorganize."
"I need to step back and rethink things."
"I need to talk to that person."
"I can do this. It will take time, but I can do this."

I accept them. I can't fight myself. These are problems that need solving.

When I was able to solve the problems, my dreams returned to vacationing instead of fleeing. The getaway that I truly desire is not one that makes me run with fear and trepidation.

More than anything, I have been dreaming of writing. I have been dreaming of summer. I could use a writer's retreat! I could also use a massage, and yoga lessons, and a hot tub, and a pedicure...

But I digress.

The truth is, I have to admit that I am not a slacker. I have had to divert my efforts and energies into pursuits I am less passionate about and find less fulfilling. I have had to give 13 tests. I have had to write 10 papers. I have had to pay bills, register for a big exam, work out my sons' school locations for next year, be a Mom, a wife, and a teacher. I have had to juggle life a bit.

I may be writing an excuse, but it is not a complaint. I have learned so much this year! I have learned that it is time I grew a set of balls. It is painful to grow a set, but once they are in, directing others will be easier. I'm way too nurturing, accommodating, and respectful of other's feelings to step on toes, even when they need stepping on.

I can learn, painful as it is. I can deal with people. I can get my work done, manage my time, and still watch a little mind-numbing  TV at the end of the day.

I can do this.