Trust Takes These Three Things

I've always thought that I would write a book about Love. I have notes and research on Love and even made a little powerpoint to share some of my ideas and my perspective on Love.

The problem is, Love is a HUGE topic. There are many facets to it and I have never found my niche in the topic.

Until today.

It's not really Love that I'm an expert in. Who is. really?? It's Trust.

Trust is a key element in relationships and one that I take very seriously. Can you Love someone deeply, wholly, and fully if you can't Trust them? No.

Trust is hard-won and not easily given out. I know I guard my Trust with impenetrable walls. I don't let people even prove their trustworthiness to me without several tests. It might make me a doubter to not Trust others right away, but you learn to protect yourself and to see red flags that indicate a person might not be honest.

When your Trust is broken, you are hurt. You suffer. You learn to guard it more closely and not give out your heart so easily.

But you have to give it out again. It might take a while to make this decision after you've been hurt. The healing process should take at least as long as the build up of the relationship to the hurtful moment. So if you knew someone for 3 years and then they turned on you, it might take 3 years for you to forgive them, forget some of their tresspasses, and begin to Trust someone else.

So what does it take to Trust?

It takes three things.



1. Reliability - Keeping Promises. A person must prove that they do exactly what they say they are going to do. This can be a simple as calling you when they say they are going to call you. If they say, "Hey, I'm gonna call you right back," and they never do or have some excuse that's lame for not doing so, they haven't passed the first test of Trust.

This is the easiest series of tests. You can entrust them with more and more promises and if they keep them, they are well on their way to breaking through to your inner walls.



2. Acceptance - For who you are. Trust is earned when a person truly accepts you for who you are, no matter what was in your past. They don't gossip about your past, brag that they 'fixed' you, nor act like they are better than you. If they act like they 'saved' you. they are still seeing the past you and they have the potential to pull that wildcard out and accuse you of reverting to said behavior so they can 'save' you again. Instead, they encourage you, listen to you, and believe that you can be awesome. They won't try to beat you at everything in life and accept your successes.

This is harder to prove and takes more time with the person. If you are in Love with them at this point, you might not see that they think they are your savior and will be blindsided later by their competition and wanting to be better than you. If they don't exhibit trait number three, that is.



3. Honesty - Not saying what others want to hear. You're probably hanging out a lot with this person and you might witness their interactions with other friends. Do they talk bad about them behind their backs? Do they tell the others what they think they want to hear? Don't fool yourself into thinking that they would not do the same behind your back. They would.

Honesty is an inherent trait in those that are trustworthy and is present at the Reliability stage. You will witness it in their explanations for being late or asking for forgiveness for breaking a promise. You will see it in their Acceptance, as they tell you what they really think about people like you, how they struggle with concepts and are learning, or how they deal with situations. If you are seeking a relationship with a person and they go behind others' backs with their words, hiding their true feelings, then they can easily hide their feelings from you.

These three things I value most in a friend. I will Love you with all my being and forever if I can Trust you. I am honest in keeping my promises and will not promise things I cannot do. If you ask and I think I cannot do it, I will let you know my anxieties. If I'm telling you my anxieties, I expect you to share yours at some point in return.

I can Accept you where you are right now and encourage you to be a better you. If I struggle with the lifestyle you led before, I will talk with you about it to gain clarity. I expect honesty and clarity in return. I expect answers to my questions, or if it is too painful for you, honestly tell me that you wish not to tell me right now.

Trust is a huge part of Love. If you want to get into my inner circle, closest to my heart, you have to pass these tests of Trust. I hold the closest walls shut tight for fear of really hurting in betrayal. Sometimes I feel like no one really 'knows' me because of this, but actually, people do. They can see over that wall and into my true being if they get that close. They figure me out like the final puzzle to win the key to my heart. That's when I know it is safe to give it.

Learning from My Mistakes: Being a Good Leader

I've been VERY busy with school. I have had to make some significant changes to my classroom schedule including adapting for a new student and making changes required by my supervisor. I have begun to deal with the changes that giving my students a Standardized Test which pulls me away from teaching for at least a whole day have wrought upon my schedule. Schedules and plans are the center of my day.

It's also been stressful with adults in my room, my support team, not supporting me. Sometimes it is completely justified, and sometimes it is not. I'm human. I make mistakes. I fall for manipulations, I break things, I forget things, and I get distracted.

I'm on the comeback from some of those mistakes. The student who was such trouble the first 7 weeks is responding to the changes I have made. My support team has been able to de-stress about me and my leadership and again supported me.

I need to find a way to thank them. I need to thank them all year.

But most of all, I need to learn that to be a good leader, I have to be mean sometimes.

I have to change schedules, making some changes that people won't like. Secondly, I have to take their criticism of my actions less personally. That's the hardest for me. I take so much personally. I have cried, lost sleep, and stressed out hard over these personal attacks which I have made worse on myself.

I learned 3 things.

First, that I have to stop explaining my actions and do things to show them I am trying and working. I always want to be an example, but I can't see myself and how I appear to others. I may be doing my job, but appear to be sitting, observing, avoiding, ignoring, or even procrastinating. I have to work with the students, with a clipboard, with a visual schedule right there in front of my class.

Second, their opinions are often skewed. I may be falsely accused. It is far better to talk to me, ask me, and trust that I am telling the truth. Once, one of my staff felt that I was a liar and all my defensive answers to her questions were covering up the truth. They were not. It's hard to convince someone you are being honest when all they hear are lies. In this instance, I was able to later acknowledge her claim, bring evidence that I was not lying, and she had cooled off enough to accept my defense as truth.

Lastly, if I need to confront them, I have back-up in my supervisors. I can present the issue to them and take heart in the fact that I don't have to fight this battle alone. They will intervene if necessary and they will do so tactfully. I hope my 'bosses' are leaders, as I haven't given them the change to 'develop' me and 'coach' me as the pic above defines.

A to Z - "V" is for Vulnerable

I've been pretty open on this blog, sharing some depressing moments and  a little about being a parent, a wife, and a teacher. I share my knowledge of nutrition, whether I follow my own advice or not! As I scroll back, I find some pretty embarrassing posts. Having a blog is showing some vulnerability. It is sharing part of yourself with the world.

Comments can hurt, in the real world or in the virtual. When you share part of your heart, it can get stomped on. You can be insulted. When you are vulnerable to attack, you will feel pain.

https://cauldronsandcupcakes.files.wordpress.com/2013/04/sad-eyes.jpg

But no one grows without pain.

I could blog about the mundane stuff, or other people's problems, but you would find me gossipy or boring. That's not what I want.

I have to be vulnerable to feel real. Note: if you have flat characters, give them a vulnerable side!
Humans are not invincible.

We all have weaknesses. One of mine is chocolate. :) Vulnerability is weakness, but without it, we would be closed off, without friends who trust us, and the opportunity to feel joy.


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