Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Do What You Love: Me

They say you should do what you love. By loving to go to work each day, you will have a fun and enjoyable experience. You might not want to come home, except, home is where the food is.

If I could do what I love, what would that look like?

I would be a writer. I think I also would be a speaker. I would give to others, teach others, and share.

Some people know what they want. They go after it. I've always been a 'grab the bull by the horns' kind of girl, even if I got thrown down to the ground. I've entered things with gusto and confidence that I could do it, only to end up lacking. The fall from confidence to vulnerability is great and painful. Getting back up and trying again takes courage, but wiping yourself off and turning towards a new adventure is even more brave.

Life is about your experiences. It's is about people, adventure, savoring the moments, and making memories.

Living what you love would include being able to do these kinds of things in your life that make you happy and never having regrets.

I always thought I was a people person. I could read my fellow classmates and give advice about their social relationships because I'm both intrinsically and extrinsically aware of social constructs. But high school is very different from the real world. I found out there were more types of personalities out there than I could handle. I considered a life including some kind of counseling as a career, and for a while I sated this need in chat rooms with writing friends giving advice while I worked toward teaching as a career. Then, that took over my life, the website died, and the friends moved on.

I miss the social part of my life. Going to Trivia every Monday is not cozying up on the couch over hot cocoa and letting it all out to an empathetic ear.

I drown under other, stronger personalities and the weight of making decisions that are more serious than I'd ever imagined. Feeling a bit more helpless and clueless lowers my self-esteem. I blame myself.

I stopped writing, blogging, ficletizing, and creating as all my energy went into planning, staying afloat, and trying to feel worthy in a thankless environment where all I can see are my mistakes and how far I am from the goal. This is not the work that I love. This is stress.

My heart is clearly elsewhere.

Something has to change. I don't know what yet. I know that I need to refocus and re-prioritize during this break from work. I'm starting with writing. Instead of coming home and unwinding with a show or mindless facebook game, I will come home and write first. Without writing, I have lost myself.

After I organize my thoughts and write them down, I will find my focus. New motivation will come, the finish line will appear, and I will race towards it. The calendar will fill with deadlines and projects will become completed.

Once I begin writing, I will renew my energy to get back into the circles of critique and passion. I will find new friends to work with, learn new techniques for marketing, and maybe finally publish something worth reading.

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