Finding Myself: Heart of Fear to Heart of Focus

I watched "The Middle", the episode where Brick is very worried about all the bad things in the world. It was exaggerated, as all sitcoms are, but at the heart of his dilemma was the fear of not being in control.

This is probably the heart of my fears as well. All the posts about my fears before; the car accidents, the stinging insects, the natural disasters, are all things I cannot control. Just like Brick's fear of a kidnapper or break-in.

I was inspired by what he found to be a solution. His parents didn't understand it, but I did. He said he imagined the extreme; that his house was burnt down and his family were dead and he had nothing left but himself. Then he found a Buddhist quote that he didn't need to worry about things being broken or lost or stolen, because he needed to change his thinking. Things can be imagined broken in the first place. Then, if it happens, it seems like it was meant to be.

At the heart of it all was his life.

At the heart of it all is MY life.

Perspective.

Everything will fall and break at some point in our lives. We will fight with our spouse, have a bad day at work, get in a car accident, or lose our wallet. We can have back-up keys, jot down the numbers to call for identity theft or to get your ID and social security cards re-issued, and be insured so that accidents don't cost us extra and we can get a rental car or know from whom to borrow one. We can check the oven and door locks 6 times before leaving.If something happens, it was not our fault.

As long as I do what I can to keep myself safe, healthy, and happy, then no matter what comes, good and bad, I have done well. I can have pride in myself. I can stop worrying about the material things in my life, but instead focus on being as prepared as possible for tragedy to feel safe. This may not be courage, or bravery, but it is comforting.

That doesn't mean I give up. That doesn't give me a pass to not be my best. It means that I accept that my best is good enough, as good as I can do at the time, and if the goal is not reached, I keep trying. Because those crazy fears about losing things or not being good enough can consume me and sap the energy I need to push myself in all venues of my life. This could be teaching, parenting, working out, or being a good wife. I can't do it all at once, but I can do it all in turns.

I can celebrate the successes I do have, not matter how small. I can count my blessings.

I can focus on the things I can control like:

• Quality of your work/job performance
• Relationships with friends and family
• Household chores
• Income level
• Involvement in your community

While many of you have stopped thinking about your resolutions by now, I find I am still reviewing and rewriting, editing and adding short-term goal steps into mine. Being the best ME I can be includes a shift of focus sometimes.

My 6 year old learned that word, 'focus' this year in school. He says it often to remind himself to do so. Perhaps this is the year of focus for all of us.

Finding Myself: Knowing My Limitations

I think the definition of wisdom, in decision making, but also in life, is knowing your limitations. It's knowing your own personal boundaries. It's knowing your strengths and weaknesses, too.

To focus on your strengths, you have to know what they are. Just as importantly, what they aren't. Be honest with yourself. Be self-aware. Listen to your body. Listen to your heart.

When faced with a decision, you weigh your options. Sometimes you have time to ask others for advice. Sometimes you have to choose something immediately. You make the best choice, given what you know.

Perhaps you overestimate yourself. What's the worst that could happen? You lose, you get hurt, you fail. 

In the past, this would have emotionally torn me to pieces. It would take days and weeks to recover a broken heart. I never tried and failed at physical tasks, so I'm not sure how long it would take to heal a broken bone. In this economy, it may take months to find a new job if that was the risk.

Perhaps, instead, you underestimated yourself. What if you succeeded, with such flying colors, that you received special accolades. You'd feel proud of myself, elated, and worth something. 

Knowing your limitations comes from trying things and either falling, or succeeding. I am not at the place where I have tried everything and can judge whether it will fail or succeed.

So I guess I keep trying. 

I will either fall on my butt, keep banging my head against the wall, find an alternate route, or succeed surprised and happy. I mean, that’s life, right? You can't just sit back and wait to see if it works for someone else first every time. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith.

I also have personal boundaries, where the answer is always "no". I don't smoke, for one. I don't cheat on my husband. I don't steal. But these kinds of boundaries often are not the ones you are asked to cross. You may have vowed to never eat fast food, have sex before your married, never give away your grandmother's antique sewing machine, or that you will never get naked in public. All of these are healthy, logical boundaries.

What if you are asked to cross them?

There might be an opportunity for you to experience another culture, to travel, or to fulfill a lifelong dream. But you realize that in order to achieve it, you have to cross one of your boundaries. Do you go, or stay home?

Home is our comfort zone. Home has boundaries, walls that may be flimsy, but they are safe. 

Opportunities are risks.

Sometimes we are buried under the stuff we pack around us. That stuff can be boundaries, memories, regret, promises, a career choice we feel obligated to have, a house full of life that feels stuffy instead of comfortable. We invest ourselves and root ourselves so deeply into a life of obligations, that we forget to, well, Live.

There is a limit to how much we can do in one life without getting burnt out, too.

Balance.

To be happy, you need to find a balance between living and existing to get by. Some days you have to simply exist and let the current of life carry you. Other days, you have to make a choice to do something to break free of the mundane. You have to list your priorities, your boundaries, your dreams, your goals, and what it takes to reach them. You have to decide what has to go and what can stay.

Do you go or do you stay?

Is this opportunity worth crossing the boundary you set? 

Who Am I? What are my strengths and weaknesses? 

I am a writer, a teacher, an optimist, a mother. I am a wife. 

I love nature, quiet moments, observing, but I also sometimes don't know when to stop talking. 

I am Christian. I love people. All people. I work with the disabled. 

I am good at figuring out what people are trying to communicate and empathizing in such a way as to get into their world for a bit and help them join in with others. I am a decent mediator. 

I am creative. 

I love fall. 

I am a terrible hostess. I am not that great at cooking. 

I am healthy. I am not a runner. 

I get really red in the face when I am stressed, good or bad. Not having the answers, the back up plans, stresses me out. 

I like to chat with people. 

I like to read. I do not like to write research papers or read long articles. I prefer creative writing to academic. I like dystopian novels. I like movies that make me feel good. 

I do not fit in with people who have fancy lives. I do not wear makeup; I don't know how. 

I love the woods. I love trees.

Find your Wisdom, Find Yourself.


My Friend posted on facebook a long comment that fits perfectly with this post and says better than I have what exactly I mean:

If I can do a five mile run thorough Christ who strengthens me then in Him, in His power I can do other things as well. Other things that make me uncomfortable . Other things that seem impossible for me. That ARE impossible for me. But not for Him. I am guilty of spending way too much time in my comfort zone in life. Relying on my own strength and shying away from things I feel called to do because it's beyond me. But not this year.           -Renee

 She felt her limitations were at 2 miles. But she found the strength to keep going. She ended up with that 'That wasn't so bad. I am proud of myself" feeling. And she found time and space to see herself in the grand scheme of God's plan once again.

That's what I took away from Packing Light. That's the lesson I keep finding and hearing and listening to over and over again this week.

Finding Myself: Wishy-Washy Me

I have been a wishy-washy person. Many of the posts I have deleted over the years have been embarrassingly wishy-washy. I would whine, rant, and suggest things, but never tell if I did them. It was a place to put my thoughts down. Later, I went through them and saw a desperate, blind, wishy-washy girl.

My blog posts don't have to be this way. Maybe that is a good goal for me this year. Especially if I want to create a platform. I need to find myself a solid piece of ground, a gumption, an attitude, a voice, and stick to it.


Part of living to your potential is making decisions. These can be based on goals you are trying to accomplish, logic, gut feelings, or even snap, rash and emotional, but they are decisions that shape your life's direction. You can mull over them, or be forced to make them, but they still influence your path.

So maybe this year's Resolution actually looks like this:

Live To My Potential

• Don't write wishy-washy blog posts
• Make decisions with more conviction
• Push myself past my fears and insecurities. Be willing to try for "That wasn't so bad."
• Trust myself / Trust God in myself
• Try something new (from last year's resolution, but still applicable)
• Know when to say, "No, I need to focus on me"
• Take care of my body (exercise and water, mental health, emotional health)

I like it.

I may have to rename myself the Mistress of Decision Making.. O.o