Soulmate

Most people think their spouse is supposed to be their soulmate.

I know I did.

I think this belief is propagated in Disney Princess movies. Our Prince Charming, Aladdin, Eric, or Flynn is supposed to be perfect and someone we can live happily ever after with.



Did you know that you can have more than one soulmate?

I'm not talking about polygamy, polyamory, adultery, or any of that stuff.

I'm talking about redefining the term Soulmate.


Sounds right. Thanks Dawson's Creek.

But no where does it say that this person has to be your spouse, the opposite gender, or the same age. No where does it say that this person remains in your life forever. No where does it say that this isn't several people, who may or may not be in your life at the same time.

At different times of our lives we will need and want different types of relationships.

How do you know if you have found a soulmate?

1. Indescribable Connection

Firstly, you will feel a sense of having known this person for all of your life. They will 'get' you. You will 'get' them. 

• You may experience HUGE changes when you meet. You may shift directions entirely. You may experience emotions you never knew you could feel - extreme highs and lows.

2. Intertwining passions 

This is probably how you will meet. You both will love the same things. When you get together and work on those things, you will challenge and inspire each other to greater heights than ever before. You feel the need to team up and conquer something.

When we get together we pop off like Fourth of July - Hollyn

3. Complete Ease

There is no guilt, no nerves, no shame when you are around your soul mate. Despite what society, religion, culture, has to say, when you two are together, everything is perfect. No one has to understand you, but you.

• You will know what the other person is thinking or feeling intuitively.

4. Mutual Growth

Lastly, you both will grow together. You learn from each other's failures and when you are apart, you still grow and learn. You bring out the best in each other.

The hard part:

Sometimes, once the lesson is learned, the person will drift away, having completed their mission. You will never forget them.

Here's the part you need to understand.

This is not the same as a Life Partner.

Soulmates can be your Life Partner, but they don't have to be. It's only in recent times that we expect our spouses to be in tune to us. Think about it.

(Or read here.)

Your spouse is your Life Partner.

What is a Life Partner?

• Your relationship is based on being physically present and creating new memories.
• You both feel a sense of financial and emotional stability by being together.
• You resonate with each others beliefs, ideas or religion/philosophy.
• Your relationship is based on logical or intellectual decisions.
• You get along like best friends- your relationship does not suffer from extremes.
• You enjoy getting to know each other and learn about your differences and similarities- everything about each other feels new and exciting.
• You feel attracted to each other physically and resonate with each others values.

http://foreverconscious.com/the-difference-between-soulmates-and-life-partners

This distinction has helped me greatly and I hope it helps you, too.

Post Valentine's Day Post: Relationships, Frequency of Contact

In keeping with the theme of finding out what people need and being generous,  you can't expect to be told up front by a new acquaintance, or even a new friend, that they are needing something. It may take time to build that kind of trust where they will open up.

No matter what kind of relationship you have: familial, friendship, marriage, acquaintance, spiritual, to maintain that relationship takes frequent contact. Let's talk about these relationships.

FAMILY:

I know some of you may not have a family member to call, or would rather not contact either of your parents. Childhood can be rocky. I get it. Maybe there is a sister or favorite Aunt or long lost cousin you can contact. In order to maintain that connection with them, you have to talk to them some way sometimes. It's easy to use facebook, text messaging, Skype, or an old fashioned phone call to simply say 'Hey, I'm thinking about you. Maybe we should get coffee." You can skip the coffee if that is too much commitment for family.

FRIENDS:

Perhaps you have a lot of friends. I used to mingle among several circles of friends in high school. The groups didn't co-mingle because someone in one group hated someone in another, but I was fine with all of them and they were fine with me. I loved being able to chat with all of them. Little did I realize that this kind of relationship was not one that ended with a best friend who would follow me into adulthood and be there forever.

MARRIAGE:

So I married my best friend. I think this is the best advice I can give anyone. It's not that you cannot live without them, it's that you want to share everything with them because they are your best friend first. Be friends so that you can stay together even if you are mad at each other. Not every relationship is perfect. There are rocky times where you don't see eye-to-eye. If you can love them but not like them right now and weather the storm together, then you can last together forever. Well, until death do you part.

ACQUIANTENCE:

That business connection you just made, and the card in your wallet mingling with all the other cards? If you want to connect with them later on, you have to make a contact soon in order for them to remember you. Same goes for a new facebook friend. Sure you just met due to new life circumstances, and they can see your posts and stalk your wall, but if you want to build anything on that, you have to send quick chats every once in a while.

SPIRITUAL:

I don't talk about religion very much, but I do go to church. I believe that if I want a deeper relationship with my God, I have to commune with Him. No matter what God, god, goddess, or spiritual being you believe in, in order to maintain a relationship with them, you have to reach out and seek them. This is also good practice for small talk with real people. If you are one of those reluctant to chit chat, or like to practice in the mirror, and you are spiritual, do some small talk with your religious figurehead. It also helps you sort out things in your own head. Sometimes the answers come when you pause and think things through.

It's not like Valentine's Day, that comes once a year. Relationships need frequent contact to stay. Sure, it's possible to reconnect to a good friend whom you haven't seen in years and it would be like it was in old times, but sometimes people change and in the meantime, you need to make new friendships to keep you going.

Frequent contact is the way to do that. It makes you vulnerable, having to open up and share some things with others, but your time with them in invaluable. It might just be the 'generous' thing that they needed most!

Happy New Year, My Love!

Day 1: Your Current Relationship

When you think about living a new year to its fullest and cherishing moments and people because they are most important to you, you think first and foremost about your closest circle of friends and family. No one is closer than your spouse.

I am so fortunate to have someone who has been with me for almost 12 years, almost 9 years married, who still thinks I am beautiful, still puts me and our relationship first, still wants to take me out on dates, and still misses me enough to text me 3 times a day from work.

There are times during the day when something happens, maybe a cute kid saying, maybe an ironic commercial, maybe a stupid driver on the road caused a freak accident, and I just want to tell him right away. He's still my best friend.

I recently became so enraged at the kids, I was yelling and nagging and raving and making them cry, and he just grabbed me by the shoulder and shoved me out of their room. I needed that. It was not positive parenting. It was not helping anyone, except me a little to get the frustration out, but I could have done it in a healthier way. I had to go back and tell my kids that I loved them so they wouldn't have bad dreams. My husband knows my limits, and he stepped in to keep me from doing more damage. I am far from perfect.

He cooks dinner (and often breakfast and lunch), reaches for the stuff on the high shelf, fixes my car, shares my thought patterns, changes diapers (though we'd better not have to do that much longer!), washes dishes, and earns the money. Despite the ranting I sometimes do about the heinous things like leaving milk and cereal in the bowl in the sink, he's a great man. He gives massages, pops my back, and keeps me warm at night. He makes me laugh almost every day. Those are the 4 things I love most!

What makes a marriage work is good communication, compromise, and equality.

• Share your feelings,
• Use separate bathrooms at times,
• Help each other,
  
• Do things for one another and together,
  
• and Keep the spark alive, if you get my drift.

Thank each other, hug each other, kiss, find moments alone, and keep your promises.

One of the best things to do is share your dreams: your goals, your reasons to save money, to motivate you to sit at the computer instead of mopping the floor (okay that's me), and your bucket list.

This is followed by showing you love them, saying you love them, and explaining why, right at this moment you can't do what he asks because you have a naked toddler to chase down, a spill to clean up, and muffins in the oven ready to come out.

I asked him what he wants to see me change in the new year and his response was exactly as I expected: "This is one of those Does-this-make-my-butt-look-fat questions that starts fights. You are perfect as you are." And when I explained that I hadn't meant it that way, he said the other half of how I expected him to, "You have the same goals as last year, you just need to implement them this year." Yes. And I asked if that was sad, because it is sad to me, and he said, "No. You just need to focus on a plan." He's right, and I have been thinking these exact same things.

Happy New Year, My Love, and a toast to making plans!


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Anniversary; Blogiversary

Today is my anniversary. Yes that's right, 7 years ago I married my best friend. He's put up with my occasional attitudinal PMS, pregnancy hormones (twice), misunderstandings, and bouts of slap happy humor for 10 years now.

How do we make it work? Communication, compromise, and humor. My mother bought us a card that says "to the couple like no otter" with otters on the front, but the pun is true. It's not everyday you find a couple like us.

We still are best friends. We love to do things together. We still argue or debate, but it never is really serious. We agree on disciplining the children, we share in the chores, we support each other, and most importantly we talk out our concerns, feelings, and problems.

You're thinking, oh just wait, something will come up and you'll have a big fight.

Well, once I made him so mad, he drove off to avoid doing something he'd regret. And there have been moments I've broken down in tears over issues, most often personal. But things always work out. That doesn't matter. What matters is that we connect on an intellectual level.


On another note: It is also my Blogiversary. And I'm happy to report I received a nice surprise gift! I won Violette's contest! (see doodle entry below). I am really kind of humbled, though. This is just too nice!