Post Valentine's Day Post: Relationships, Frequency of Contact

In keeping with the theme of finding out what people need and being generous,  you can't expect to be told up front by a new acquaintance, or even a new friend, that they are needing something. It may take time to build that kind of trust where they will open up.

No matter what kind of relationship you have: familial, friendship, marriage, acquaintance, spiritual, to maintain that relationship takes frequent contact. Let's talk about these relationships.

FAMILY:

I know some of you may not have a family member to call, or would rather not contact either of your parents. Childhood can be rocky. I get it. Maybe there is a sister or favorite Aunt or long lost cousin you can contact. In order to maintain that connection with them, you have to talk to them some way sometimes. It's easy to use facebook, text messaging, Skype, or an old fashioned phone call to simply say 'Hey, I'm thinking about you. Maybe we should get coffee." You can skip the coffee if that is too much commitment for family.

FRIENDS:

Perhaps you have a lot of friends. I used to mingle among several circles of friends in high school. The groups didn't co-mingle because someone in one group hated someone in another, but I was fine with all of them and they were fine with me. I loved being able to chat with all of them. Little did I realize that this kind of relationship was not one that ended with a best friend who would follow me into adulthood and be there forever.

MARRIAGE:

So I married my best friend. I think this is the best advice I can give anyone. It's not that you cannot live without them, it's that you want to share everything with them because they are your best friend first. Be friends so that you can stay together even if you are mad at each other. Not every relationship is perfect. There are rocky times where you don't see eye-to-eye. If you can love them but not like them right now and weather the storm together, then you can last together forever. Well, until death do you part.

ACQUIANTENCE:

That business connection you just made, and the card in your wallet mingling with all the other cards? If you want to connect with them later on, you have to make a contact soon in order for them to remember you. Same goes for a new facebook friend. Sure you just met due to new life circumstances, and they can see your posts and stalk your wall, but if you want to build anything on that, you have to send quick chats every once in a while.

SPIRITUAL:

I don't talk about religion very much, but I do go to church. I believe that if I want a deeper relationship with my God, I have to commune with Him. No matter what God, god, goddess, or spiritual being you believe in, in order to maintain a relationship with them, you have to reach out and seek them. This is also good practice for small talk with real people. If you are one of those reluctant to chit chat, or like to practice in the mirror, and you are spiritual, do some small talk with your religious figurehead. It also helps you sort out things in your own head. Sometimes the answers come when you pause and think things through.

It's not like Valentine's Day, that comes once a year. Relationships need frequent contact to stay. Sure, it's possible to reconnect to a good friend whom you haven't seen in years and it would be like it was in old times, but sometimes people change and in the meantime, you need to make new friendships to keep you going.

Frequent contact is the way to do that. It makes you vulnerable, having to open up and share some things with others, but your time with them in invaluable. It might just be the 'generous' thing that they needed most!

#Generosity2016: Notice What Would Make Someone's Life Easier

I have a new focus for #Generosity2016. You could say it is my goal for February.

Notice what would make someone's life easier.

This sentence comes from a simple wikihow; How to Be Generous  Step 1. Get in the right mindset. 
The article defines this in simple steps: Give from the heart, Know that giving will make you happier, Be grateful for what you have, Be generous to yourself, and that last one that I can't check off my list yet. Notice what would make someone's life easier.

See, I give of my time at church and in my job, but those both are still within my comfort zone. It's me being kind on my terms. Something still feels wrong.

In speaking with my Mom, to whom I gave some jigsaw puzzles for no reason other than I love her, I realized that while she appreciates them, they are not filling a need in her life. She shared that my Dad needs a new wallet. This is something I could gift him, provided I know what kind he likes. But before I could gift one, he might buy one for himself. It's still not really filling a "need". Neither scenario, giving my Mom puzzles nor my Dad a wallet, is really at the heart of generosity.

NEED is defined as circumstances in which something is necessary, or that require some course of action; necessity.

Synonyms: necessity, obligation, requirement, call, demand

I should examine what a NEED is to proceed. Fulfilling a need would make someone's life easier.

In my city, there are certainly needs. One of the community centers my church supports has expressed a need for pillows and blankets for the children they serve. Here is a way I can be generous and fulfill a need. There is a demand for bedding for these kids. Even if they don't have a mattress and bed frame they can curl up in a warm blanket with a pillow. I noticed that pillows and blankets were already being collected Sunday morning at church.

Buying things for other people is not really that far out of my comfort zone. I buy items for my students and classroom frequently. While I can purchase pillows or donate blankets, I'm missing the chance to see the gratefulness on the faces of the recipients. This is what I am missing. Ghosting around giving behind the scenes is not feeling satisfactory. It's time for my generosity to get personal.

I love giving gifts, especially at Christmas. What makes it fun is the joy in the recipient's eyes. That same joy can be found in the eyes of someone who has a need and I fill it.

 Notice what would make someone's life easier. 

 How?

Step 2: Doing Acts of Kindness from the WikiHow page includes being kind to strangers.  
Talk about getting out of my comfort zone! But this really is the next step for me. In no way do I have to find a large group of strangers. I can choose one person. Using small talk, I can learn about a need they have and if it is within my ability to help out right then and there, I will. I know it is possible to do secret acts of kindness, like hiding money in books for coffee or quarters in coin machines, but I want to do something less covert. I want to make someone smile. I want to see their joy.

Notice what would make someone's life easier. 

New Year's Resoultions: Generosity 2016, A Quest

While leaving the 'Mart of Wal' after all the pandering, bell ringing, and collecting for the Christmas season has passed thinking things would get back to 'normal' and people would tighten their purse strings back up, I realized what it was that was stopping me from being generous.

It's about allowing myself to do it, and also reversing my thinking.

I tend to save up my change until I have a round number. I like even numbers and fives. I'm not sure where it came from, but I feel better when I have an even amount in my wallet.

Instead, I need to set aside the extra left overs and search for a place to give them away. If I have given myself permission to give away a certain dollar amount, it frees me up to look for places or people who need it more than me.

 Here are some helpful hints:
http://www.becomingminimalist.com/10-simple-ways-to-become-a-more-generous-person/

In learning/researching about budgeting for giving, they say to pay others first, before your bills. This is completely the opposite of what I do. Once the bills are paid I look at what's left and watch it disappear into various activities or wants. That's selfish.

If it wasn't there in the first place, it can't be spent. 

If I am serious about giving, I have to set aside the amount to give FIRST.  This puts me in the correct mindset. This prioritizes my giving as a forethought and not an afterthought. I have a little pocket in my purse I can use to set aside that 'extra' so that is there for me to give away. It is separate. It has permission to go to those in need.

By waiting to see what I had left, I held fastidiously onto the last bits, seeing only the vast void of nothingness once those last bits were gone. I think if I am able to give first, I might be more willing to part with what I have left.

Turns out, I need to hang out with more generous people.

http://www.becomingminimalist.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/generous-people-see-differently.jpg

http://www.becomingminimalist.com/more-generosity/  This is a great post on how generous people think differently.

REQUEST FOR GUEST POSTS
I am asking for you, my readers to comment or contact me on social media if you have the desire to guest-post on this topic. I want to meet you! Do you have a story of generosity to encourage and guide me in my quest?

Generosity 2016

There's a lot to be said about generosity. I think I was placed with a certain person because they have things to teach me about generosity. While there are some things they do that upset me, they are more radical than I am in their generosity.

When I daydream about a windfall, winning the lottery, or suddenly inheriting a decent sum of money from a long lost uncle, I often think about the debts I need to pay off, the repairs the house needs, or the new things I would buy that have been on my list for a long time. 

But I was recently reminded that giving without expecting something in return has a way of paying you back.

It's not just being nice to people, it's being generous that earns you favors. You never know when, or how, or who will help you out, so it's a game of patience and chance. Most people are afraid to play that game.

Also, I think there is a fear that people will take and take if you are giving out. Which is why you have to say no to some things and some people.

Saving up for yourself, feeling like you earned the treat, is good. Giving what you can to others to see the delight, the gratefulness, the joy in their eyes is better.

People used to say 'I've done my good deed for the day', or month, or year, but lately that phrase seems to have died off as more and more are saving up what they have against a time of distrust, war, and unrest.

But now is the time to give. Share, donate, volunteer, and provide respite. Be generous above being nice. Sure, you can hold the door for people, help a young mother load her groceries while she has a baby in a carrier strapped to her chest, or return lost wallets all day long, but you're never going to get the satisfaction that true generosity will bring.

I don't yet know where I will begin this new crusade, but I shall make it my new resolution.

#Generosity2016

$60,000

http://spreadsomeawesome.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Memorabilia-at-Fridays-1024x667.jpg

I sat with my family in a booth at TGIFriday's for lunch after seeing a movie (it was a winter vacation family mini date) and I overheard a young adult gentleman counseling his young adult female friend (possibly his sister?) about income. He claimed that $60,000 dollars was the annual income you needed to be at to pay all your bills, save up some money, and save for retirement.

Mentally, I considered this counsel and snickered. First, I wagered that I was in the wrong career since he claimed to make just under that already, but after the sad wistful feeling wore off, I realized he was not taking into account supporting others. If you are SINGLE, $60K is definitely enough to feel satisfied. If you have kids, you'll be in so much debt trying to afford a larger house, larger vehicle, and feeding and clothing them, let alone school fees. He also never mentioned paying off his student loans, either. He's only getting half the picture.

I reflected on being a young adult, with half the pieces of the puzzle of life figured out. Once you finally learn all the life skills that high school never taught you about budgeting, laundry, bills, checking, loans, interest, insurance, and credit you think you have a handle on this adult life thing.

But you don't.

Perhaps this young man would have the knowledge to overcome all possible new obstacles smoothly and feel he always had life by the reigns and perhaps he always will as he learns new nuances about life. Maybe he will advance in his career and decide he needs 120K to live well, or perhaps he will be gobsmacked by a lack of 'gap insurance', or swindled by medical fees, or face any number of challenges that life has a way of hiding.

What would $60K do for me, as a one time gift, right now?

Just for kicks, I sat in the booth and mused about a windfall of this amount as I chewed my 1/2 club sandwich. I'd pay off my student loans, some credit cards that are nearly paid off anyway, re-roof the house, and sock some away for a vacation.

But that isn't very generous of me.

I've decided my new focus is to be more generous. This is my new Resolution. I'll write a post on it later.

Back to the money..

The husband and I have finally gotten on our feet for the first time. We have squeaked by this year paying down old debts and not incurring new ones. We discussed, briefly, what the next step is.

See, we both have had some rough dealings with work. I'm hesitant to say that these kinds of issues wouldn't occur in another place at another time, because they are mostly social in nature. People will always be people and people have a way of being selfish, arrogant, backstabbing, emotionally abusive, or exhausting in so many ways.

We all make mistakes, but calling our current positions stepping stones to something greater might not be one. What if this time in our lives is to prepare us for something greater? We've discussed the dreaded word 'moving' if it means that better things are out there. So far, we haven't made any huge decisions, but we've opened ourselves up to possibilities and opportunities. In this time where we desperately seek change to get away from the caustic environments of our jobs, we are still cautious and wary. We know from experience not to jump into things too quickly.

It's also good to remember where we came from and the young adult mistakes we ourselves made.

Generosity: Small Steps

I recently read 'Five Practices of A Fruitful Congregation', technically AFTER my church did, but I digress. Many of the beginning Practices outlined in the book I have mastered, and still do. But much like my health triangle, my Practices triangle is a bit obtuse. (We have a graphic posted in our church of the Five Practices and it makes a triangle)

Anyway, the point is, I'm not Generous!

So I tried to begin today. I made 10 copies of a Thank You card on Word and signed them and handed them out at school to the 10 teachers and aides I work with.

Firstly, I made them with all good intentions. I have a very hard time saying thank you when it is needed. I just sometimes think my gratitude is implied. Why I think that, I have no idea, and it has gotten me in trouble in the past.

Thus, when I got to school, part of me wanted to pretend I hadn't made them and just end the year in silence. I didn't get to write in a personal note to each one. They were not store bought or fancy or really special. They felt weak, and I began to get embarrassed.

But I decided to push through, covertly handing out two cards on teacher's desks who were out of the room. Then I wandered to another classroom and did the same. I was feeling better, like a Secret Santa, on some mission of behind-the-scenes gifting. I enjoy doing things to make people feel good that I don't have to own up to.

In the third classroom, the teacher was present. CONFRONTATION! I began to feel my cheeks grow red and I planned my attack. Swoop in, look at floor, say a phrase to make little of the gesture, exit.

Surprisingly, the teacher said, "Oh you are so kind! Usually people hate me because I yell at them."

Floored, I began to wonder how many times she was thanked in her life. I had to reply. I made a lighthearted comment. "It comes with the territory!" So true. I meant that the students she has are often difficult, but I guess that could go for staff, too.. I considered this. Then I stopped considering it because that would require me to cast judgment on the other faculty. That only causes trouble. I do wish this teacher would praise the students more, however that's a style difference.

I then handed out the rest of my cards in person, with the phrase "I made a little thank you card for everyone." I received small thanks in return, as is custom and polite. It was all over. I finished my lunch.

I should sum this up by stating something that I learned, but I won't. I did it. I stepped out of my comfort zone a tiny bit and have a tiny story about it. Nothing huge happened, no vast emotional bridges were crossed and burned, and I don't feel a strong sense of accomplishment.

This is just a stepping stone. Let's hope I keep taking small steps like this because one day I will be able to turn back and say 'See how far I've come?'


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.